Merry and Happy and all that Holiday JOY!!!!

I had a wonderful Hanukkah and a nice Christmas as well. We spent Christmas with Jedi’s family on the east coast. Since he parents are divorced we split our time between Virginia, where his dad and step-mom live and Maryland, where his mother, her boyfriend, and Jedi’s Nanny and Papa live. The weather was overcast, but not too cold which was a nice change from the snow I was dreading.

At his father’s place we got to see their pet rooster, Cluck. He was there during a past visit, but had yet to be adopted by Jedi’s dad and step-mom. Now he’s a full fledged member of the family, getting up early to eat a smorgasbord of insects that inhabit the large plot of land where he lives. When Cluck first arrived he was a mess, he looked to have been in a cock fight since he was missing most of his tail feathers and had scabs on his breast from multiple injuries. He looks much better now, his tail feathers are filling in and except for a few hot-spots on his wings his coat is nice and shiny.

Thankfully this year the weather was very mild for an east coast winter and I made do by removing my insulated liner from my ski jacket and just used the outer shell as a wind breaker. No crabs to pick this time either over upteen million glasses of Yuengling beer. Strangeley enough I think that after having jumbo sized blue crabs in Ocean City, MD this summer that I am spoiled by their shear size and sweet tastey meat and would have a difficult time settling for the mediums.

I got some great gifts from Jedi, my family, his family and some of my friends too, my two favorite gifts being boardgames, Scrabble Deluxe Edition and 80s Trivial Pursuit (VERY FUN). My sister sent me some beautiful earrings and I received one of a kind glass earring and necklace from my best friend, her husband, and their adorable little boy who I sometimes baby-sit for. I have a scandalous amount of gift cards for everything from Starbuck’s to Barnes and Noble (those won’t last long). I hope you, dear reader, also had a memorable holiday season filled with love, health, and happiness.

Book Review: Depraved by Harold Schechter

In this tour de force book chronicling the devilish actions of turn of the century serial murderer and con-man H.H. Holmes we find out not only about his devious deeds, but the brilliant mind that was able to juggle so many scams before he was caught. Reading about Holmes reminds me a lot of the charming depravity of Ted Bundy. Both were selfish, self-serving psychopaths who are unable to empathize with their victims.

The earlier part of the book is far more fascinating then the end since it deals with Holmes’ crimes and his co-ordination of many wives and mistresses. He appears to have been an irresistibly attractive catch for any woman of the era. He had many properties including his architectural monstrosity called the Castle, he marketed his own natural remedies from his own pharmacy, and appeared to be a self-made man. The later part of the novel talks about when Holmes is finally brought to justice (after many murders and other conspiracies for personal gain). I admit that the courtroom drama in this section read rather dryly (the only exception being when Holmes tries to represent himself in court a la Bundy, very interesting).

This is my first reading of a book by Schechter, who is a prolific true crime writer. I also have his novel, Deranged, which tells the horrifying story of Albert Fish, a fiend of monstrous proportions. I’ll be reading that after finishing the 4th Dark Tower book by Stephen King, Wizard and Glass (these books just keep getting better and better-major kudos to Mr. King).

angry Angry ANGRY!!!!!

I just scrapped up the right rear quarter panel and door of my car because some idiot was taking up my lane when I turned the corner in the below-ground parking garage at my work. If I hadn't cut the turn sharply he would have hit me head-on. I am thankful, of course, that no one was hurt, but ticked that the guy driving merely looked at me shrugging sheepishly before driving off while I had to put my car in park with the hazards on and get out to look at the damage. Oh, well, I just have to think G-d will address this little faux pas with him in the future.

It just makes me so mad because this was obviously a preventable incident. All it would have taken is someone driving slower and paying a bit of attention. I guess having this happen on top of someone vandalizing my car last year by carving the "F" word into the driver's side quarter panel in 8 inch high letters makes my car look terrible. On the bright side, the car is paid off and runs fairly well...so I guess the glass is half full...

Most of all I wish you Love

My love for my boyfriend grows, day by day, month by month, and year by year.

Who taught me about love?

About the breadth and depth you can feel for someone else? About experiencing yourself through their reactions and interactions with you? About finding peace and solace in another, a brief respite from solitude, a friend to be depended on, a hand to hold.

It is my grandparents and parents I think of when I think of love. Both my mother’s parents and my father’s parents were married for many decades and seemed to have great respect and admiration for their partners. Having experienced the atrocities of WWII probably made them grateful to be able to spend time with loved ones, to be able to see them safe and alive in the United States. They were also incredibly brave for bringing children up during uncertain times. Having experienced two world wars is enough to make a person weary and frightened of the future. In a world where the holocaust destroyed millions, people were still showing their hope and belief in the human race. Having children is to me the most personal and concrete form of hope that a person can express. It is their way of contributing to a better future, their way of saying that through all of our actions, together we can make a difference.

Love is a difficult word to define. In the dictionary love the noun is defined 28 different ways. I’m not so sure I could do much better then that. Mostly what I have learned and tried to personify is the idea that love leaves room for errors, mistakes, imperfection, love is not about judging, but more about accepting, supporting and encouraging. I want my boyfriend to be the best person he can be, I also want to help him explore his thoughts and feels and find different interests and new goals to set and achieve. My love should have elements of patience (an uphill battle for me always), persistence, a humongous sense of humor, thoughtfulness, kindness, and compassion. I want to be my boyfriend’s best friend, I want to be his safe place to be vulnerable, I want to be the person he shares laughter and tears with. It’s a tall order being in love with someone. I am so grateful that I know what love can be.

Beatiful story that I wanted to share

Christmas Story – courtesy of Mike and Scarlet (and also Dave Z)

SIMPLE WHITE ENVELOPE

It's just a small white envelope stuck among the
branches of our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past 10 years or so.

It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas -- oh, not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it -- the overspending, the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma -- the gifts given in desperation because you couldn't think of anything else.

Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass
the usual shirts, sweaters, ties, and so forth. I reached for something special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way. Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended.

Shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match against a team sponsored by an inner-city church.

These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings
seemed to be the only thing holding them together, presented a
sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue and gold uniforms
and sparkling new wrestling shoes. As the match began, I was
alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without headgear,
a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler's ears. It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford.

Well, we ended up walloping them. We took every weight class. And
as each of their boys got up from the mat, he swaggered around in
his tatters with false bravado, a kind of street pride that couldn't acknowledge defeat.

Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly, "I wish just one of
them could have won," he said. "They have a lot of potential, but
losing like this could take the heart right out of them." Mike
loved kids -- all kids - - and he knew them, having coached little league football, baseball, and lacrosse.

That's when the idea for his present came. That afternoon, I went
to a local sporting goods store and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent them anonymously to the inner-city church.

On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me. His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and in succeeding years.

For each Christmas, I followed the tradition -- one year sending a
group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another
year a check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to
the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on. The envelope
became the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the last thing
opened on Christmas morning, and our children, ignoring their new
toys, would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted
the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents.

As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical presents,
but the envelope never lost its allure. The story doesn't end
there. You see, we lost Mike last year due to cancer. When
Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I
barely got the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an
envelope on the tree, and in the morning it was joined by three
more. Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed
an envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown and someday will expand even further with our grandchildren standing around the tree with wide-eyed anticipation watching as their fathers take down the envelope.

Mike's spirit, like the Christmas spirit, will always
be with us.

May we all remember those friends and loved ones who
are the givers and understand the true meaning of
Merry Christmas.

Happy Hanukkah to All!

I have had a wonderful Hanukkah so far, we even had a night to celebrate with friends on Sunday. To be honest, Hanukkah is not my favorite holiday, I am much more interested in Passover and Thanksgiving (perhaps that has more to do with the family and food elements then the holidays themselves, but they have always been my two favorites). However, the fact that I have yet to make traditional latkes with sour cream and apple sauce makes it feel like Hanukkah has not really started.

I admit, I am a creature of habit and often equate celebrations with the menus I grew up with. Blintzes, roast chicken, and latkes for Hanukkah. Apricot chicken, honeyed carrots, matzo ball soup (homemade chicken broth), and brisket for Passover. Turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and Dad’s delicious gravy for Thanksgiving.

Perhaps when we are on the East Coast later this weekend I will have the time to indulge in making latkes and blintzes, but I think one thing is for sure, there will be no lack of food during these holidays.

Exciting News

My softball team from work won their second play-off game last night!

What a great feeling it was last night to see our group of guys and girl working together to make plays, hit well, and offer encouragement to eachother. I am just thrilled to have made it this far in the season, especially since I have never played softball before as an adult. In January I will continue playing as a fill-in for another league not associated with my work. I am imminently proud of myself for sticking with it and not giving up because I am not a very good player or giving into my depressive feelings so they prevent me from going to the games. It feels good to follow-thru on something, plus I think the tiny bit of exercise I am getting is helping with my “down” mood. Anyhow, just wanted to share.

Death

A dear friend of mine is mourning today because it is the anniversary of a tragic death in her family. Our conversation this morning and a recent car accident that took the life of one of Jedi’s clients has sparked my own thoughts on death and the rituals and rites we incorporate into our lives to make the passing of our loved ones easier to bear.

Being sheltered from the early deaths of my mother’s parents, I was scared by the mystery of the funerals which I did not attend due to my age and the traveling involved. To this day I still regret not being surrounded by others to share my grief and most of all not being there for my parents and aunt and uncle to witness them pay their respects. It is something I think about almost weekly, funerals truly are for the living and they are an integral part in the grieving process. At turns I feel comforted by my own belief that in death we all come together in heaven and I will once again get to hold pets I cherished, speak with relatives who passed on, and have the time to sit back and review all of the blessings of my life. Other times I am frightened of the unknown in spite of my strong faith in G-d and heaven and feel full of questions about the afterlife that has no readily available answers.

Perhaps I am a fatalist, perhaps I developed my mostly peaceful feelings about death after seeing several high school friends choose to end their own lives. When a friend passed we would gather at a local eatery and talk at length about all the good things they contributed in our lives, we would bathe ourselves in the happy times and maybe not feel so helpless and sad. The anger was something I found myself holding onto though. I was angry at the person, angry at G-d, and angry at myself for not being able to do anything to change the outcome. At some point I realized the anger was ruining my love for the person who had passed. It was polluting my memories so I tried to see their death as being inevitable, as being a call from G-d to stop their pain and bring them home to heaven. Now when someone dies I believe it is inevitable, that no matter the cause of death it is G-d’s will and therefore I do not feel as angry and helpless as I used to. Whether it is natural causes, illness, accident, suicide, or homicide I have known people who died from all these categories, the truth is that people die. Death is integral to living and to live to our fullest we must acknowledge both sides of the coin, we must accept our mortality and let it be our guide to loving those around us with ferocity.

I hope to write another post soon addressing the Jewish rituals surrounding the dead and dying soon.

Star Sightings at Sushi

On Tuesday night we celebrated my friend’s birthday at a sushi restaurant in Studio City that I have not been to in a very long time. I arrived at the restaurant ahead of the rest of the group. Upon entering I noticed that there was only one table occupied. I looked over and saw that it was occupied by none other then Maurice Benard who plays Sonny on General Hospital. Now, I don’t watch soap operas anymore, but GH used to be an obsession for me. My roommate in college got me hooked.

I admire Mr. Benard not for his acting ability (although he was fantastic as Desi Arnaz in the TV movie Lucy & Desi : Before the Laughter), it is his for his courage in admitting on an episode of Oprah that he suffers from bipolar disorder. Mental illness is still such a stigma in society that I was amazed to see such a high functioning actor who admits to having the disease. His bravery helped me come to grips with my own mental illness. I will be forever grateful to him for “coming out” as bipolar since it made me recognize that people with mood disorders can lead fulfilling and meaningful lives.

So, this sushi place is one happening joint because who should walk in next, but George Clooney, another personal hero of mine for his tireless advocacy to bring attention to the atrocities in Darfur. Strangely enough I also saw an episode of Oprah where Mr. Clooney spoke out about the Save Darfur rally that took place in Washington in April 2005 (hello, why has the U.S. still done nothing to help the people of Darfur caught between viscious warlords? I get so angry about this!). He is outspoken in his criticism of U.S. politicians, a trait I often find annoying in celebrities, but for some reason, probably since I agree strongly with what he is saying, I admire his eloquence and bravery in calling legislators to task for their actions. Be it Rumsfield and Bush for the Iraq war or the U.N. for not acting more rapidly to help the people of Darfur, Sudan, I find his candidness refreshing and heartening.

Our Troops: A Mental Health Crisis

This morning I heard a very troubling report on NPR about mental health treatments for soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan. Soldiers returning from overseas are suffering nightmares, increased anxiety, inability to cope with the stresses of returning to civilian life, and many other symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. When they then seek out medical attention to treat these symptoms there are long waiting lists and even if they get an appointment there is no guarantee that their commanding officers will allow them to attend. Commanding officers at Carson Military Base told their soldiers that when they are in training they must be persent at all times and cannot have the time off to see mental health professionals. Is this appalling to you as it is to me?

Even worse is that some commanding officers view men that have attendance problems or trouble following orders as malingerers instead of realizing that these are symptoms of suffering and emotional instability. They actually believe that the soldier is faking PTSD so that they will not be sent back to active duty in the Middle East. It is almost 2007 yet it seems to be more like the middle ages when we are seeing this sort of tragedy and rush to judgement against those who need mental health help most. The stigma fostered by the armed services (in my opinion based on reading many articles and speaking with friends and family in the military) puts us back in the stone ages. Soldiers who need help are seen as weak or disgraced, a dangerous and short-sighted assessment by untrained, insensitive commanders and peers.

I was at turns angered, frightened, and flabbergasted by the army’s lack of mental health treatment available for our soldiers who served in a war zone. These men have death and destruction burned into their retinas, screams echoing in their ears, they are dealing with the effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder on their own and I find that appalling.

This is a tragedy two-fold in that the person coming back from the serving in the middle east does not get adequate care so their families are left trying to cope with the anger and sadness that person has.

Suicide rates have risen in soldier populations both in the states and those still deployed. The link to depression, PTSD, and suicide are medically proven. Years from now we can expect to continue dealing with the fallout from inappropriate or inadequate mental health care for our troops. Until we start treating people who seek out mental health with the care and concern that their bravery warrant we will continue to see the consequences of the fear, aggression, sadness, and despair these men are feeling acted out via suicides, domestic abuse, and violence in our neighborhoods.

Book Review: The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon (audiobook)

This book is both a personal story of the author’s struggles with depression as well as a primer for people who are not familiar with the clinical aspects of the disease. It is chalk full of medical information that is first explained in terms that are not incredibley lay-reader friendly. Fortunately, Solomon is able to give examples from many walks of life that serve to illustrate the many difficult to understand and relate to emotions, actions, and physical symptoms that characterize depression. This is an extremely dense read, if I had read it instead of listening to the book on tape, I would have never finished it (perhaps a testament to my own loss of focus while experiencing depression).

Part of being vigilant about depression is being well informed and Solomon is very thorough in his overall view of depression, sharing not only the horrors he experienced during his own bouts, but also showing how depression is viewed in other cultures which serves to illuminate the continued stigma and undertreatment of it. The most heartwrenching chapter in his book focused on the Inuit or Eskimo people of Alaska and how they have the highest rate of suicides among any depressed population studied. It was eye-opening to learn how some cultures do not have the language to talk about their dark feelings, how it is considered inappropriate to bring your sadness and anger out in to the open to begin the healing process. You do not share these emotional and physical burdens with those around you because you should be stoic. I cried listening to the chapter on the undertreatment of depression in our homeless and drug addicted communities. How they are denied treatment since they are pre-judged as being failures due to their homelessness and drug abuse which are seen as problems and not the symptoms of mental illness.

I leave you with this quote from the text:

“There is a moment, if you slip or trip, before your hand shoots out to break your fall, when you feel the earth rushing up at you and you cannot help yourself, a passing, faction-of-a-second terror. I felt that way hour after hour. Being anxious at this extreme level is bizarre. You feel all the time that you want to do something, that there is some affect that is unavailable to you, that there's a physical need of impossible urgency and discomfort for which there is no relief, as though you were constantly vomiting from your stomach but had no mouth. With the depression, your vision narrows and begins to close down; it is like trying to watch TV through terrible static, where you can sort of see the picture but not really; where you cannot ever see people's faces, except almost if there is a close-up; where nothing has edges. The air seems thick and resistant, as though it were full of mushed-up bread. Becoming depressed is like going blind, the darkness at first gradual, then encompassing; it is like going deaf, hearing less and less until a terrible silence is all around you, until you cannot make any sound of your own to penetrate the quiet. It is like feeling your clothing slowly turning into wood on your body, a stiffness in the elbows and the knees progressing to a terrible weight and an isolating immobility that will atrophy you and in time destroy you."

As a side note, “The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression, has won {him} fourteen national awards, including the 2001 National Book Award, and is being published in 22 languages. It was also a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize.“

T-Day Weekend Movies

It is the week after Thanksgiving, what that means to most Americans is “leftovers”, what that means to us here at the Pork Loving Jewess blog is “movies”. I actually got off my butt and saw 2 movies this weekend and 1 last weekend, bringing my year total of watching movies at the theater to a whopping 8 films!!! A ton if you compare it to my parents seeing none, but not so many if you compare it to my fellow cinema school graduates who see movies every weekend and can also quote them ad nauseum.

My theater going experiences were nice this weekend, especially since I got to see Borat with my 20 year old nephew and see him laugh uproariously at Sacha Baron Cohen’s bumbling among Americans for 80 minutes. It was leaps and bounds better to watch this tongue-in-cheek over-the-line laughfest then all the hours I've invested in crappy movies made from crappy SNL skits that should have never made it onto the big screen (A Night at the Roxbury, Coneheads, Stuart Saves His Family, and It's Pat I'm talking about you!) .

I admit, I am biased since Sacha Baron Cohen is Jewish, I think I like him more then I would if say, a non-Jew were playing his role of bumbling Kazakhstan reporter. He puts himself in situations that are more then uncomfortable and yet his ability to stay in character makes him rather endearing and lovable, at least to me. Plus the fact that he exposes how much we, America, as a nation has not changed since we were segregated and women were “barefoot and pregnant” and anti-semitism was an everyday occurence instead of just being heard during one of Mel Gibson’s drunken rant. Many of the people featured in the film will look at the parts of themselves on display and not like what they see, will they change? No, actually they ended up suing Baron Cohen…ah, the American way!

Yesterday me and the boyfriend had a fabulous date to see Tenacious D: Pick of Destiny. It was basically pieces of old sketches, new songs, new and old characters, and a whole lot of very funny faces. Since I am a believer in “do what works”, I was pretty happy overall with the film. Jack Black and Kyle Gass who make up the Spinal Tap-like rock group Tenacious D have great chemistry. I am embarrassed to admit that I did not recognize Dave Grohl in the Satan makeup (although in the music video for Tribute I never had a problem…hmmm…old age?). The storyline of the movie isn’t at all complex, but the physical comedy and “inside” jokes are worth their weight in proverbial gold. A must see!

Book Review: Fahrenheit 451

In belated honor of National Book Month in October I read Ray Bradbury’s classic banned novel Fahrenheit 451. My friend over at Bryan’s Book Blog would be horrified to know that this is the first Bradbury I have ever picked up. Of course, I feel rather sheepish since I know that Dandelion Wine is widely acclaimed and have yet to pick up a copy.

Well, let me assure you dear reader, I will be picking up a copy of Dandelion Wine as soon work is over and I can log into my Amazon account. The straightforward lean prose of Fahrenheit 451 serve to underscore the horrors of what their modern society has become, a place as bleak as the environs served up by Phillip K. Dick in Minority Report. The character of Guy struggles with monumental moral dilemmas and in the end runs smack into the futility that minorities suffer at the hands of the majority. His life becomes a waiting game, but finally, he is among like minded individuals who have accepted this way of life in a soceity ruled by fear.

What You Can Do to Help Someone Experiencing Depression

Listen, listen, listen. Althought the depressed person may be reticent to share their feelings at first, if you are patient and continue to try and draw them out it can help alleviate the loneliness and solitude of the illness. Depression isolates people so speaking about it helps them carry the load of guilt, anger, numbness, and sadness. It can also lessen the shame and taboo nature of the disease. Being withdrawn or apathetic is a symptom of the depression that can be very annoying, it does not mean that the person does not love or care about you. Be willing and flexible enough to keep reminding the person experiencing the desolation of depression that you are there to talk when they are ready.

Many people think if you don’t talk about it, it will go away or they believe that the person suffering actually does not want to talk and they leave them alone. Ostensibly because they want to give the person space to deal by themselves, many depressives will tell you that sharing their emotions helps them clarify their thoughts and feelings. Getting them out in the open relieves the tremendous flood of meloncholy. You must try to listen actively and willingly without judgement. Also do not take what the depressed person is saying personally, you must be objective and realize the person is seeing the world through their affliction. You may want to repeat back what your friend, relative, or mate is saying so they know you “get” it.

Offer hope to the person by reminding them of their success over past episodes of the blues. Let them know that what they are feeling is real, but that it will pass and they will be capable of experiencing happiness again. Tell them of their worth in the world maybe share stories of how they have helped others. Note the positive aspects of their life without demeaning the fact that they are unable to focus on those. The person may need encouragement to get out of the house and do the things they once enjoyed.

Take an active roll in helping around the house, many everyday tasks can be overwhelming. Recruit other people to assist you during this time. A good support system can give you the opportunity to vent your frustration and anger at the depression. Remember it is a disease and that the person who has it is not acting like themselves, they are as annoyed, upset and inconvenienced as you are.

You may want to ask them how you can help, each person copes differently so it doesn’t hurt to find out from them what is the correct approach. If they deny all of your attempts at assistance do not give up, continue to offer with the chance that they might need you but are too ashamed to seek you out. Depression can feel like a burden and many people are reticent to rope others into the ugly morose melancoly that is afflicting them. They may have trouble expressing their needs and wants. Keep trying, keeping listening and talking, continue caring, offer unconditional love.

Acupuncture

My first acupuncture treatment for my carpal tunnel was this morning. It was much more boring and mundane then I thought it would be. In fact only four needles were used per arm with two for each wrist and two in the forearm. The first needle hurt the most, well, it didn’t really hurt so much as activate the nerve running up the side of my thumb and make it tingly and aching, mimicking the carpal tunnel in a strange way. Before the doctor applied the needles he applied a Chinese herbal balm to the areas that would be treated. The balm was icy-hot and by the end of the half hour treatment I was so distracted by how cold my limbs were that the needles didn’t faze me a bit. Of course, dear reader, I am not a squeamish person around needles, I have always had a fascination with medicine and am no less interested when it is I that is the patient. Plus the needles were so thin and delicate that they bend at the slightest breeze, it was really neat to see that they had the strength to penetrate my skin, I admit, I doubted they would be able to since they were so dainty (a needle dainty? I know, you’d have to see it to believe it).

I’m going back in on Saturday and have yet to experience relief, but then again, like most things results take time.

The Pitfalls of Being “OK”

I am what my doctor and therapist consider a “high functioning” person. There are many drawbacks to being able to get up in the morning, hold down a job, and have the freedom if not the energy to socialize fairly coherently. The trouble is that people take these actions in combination to conclude that I am rational and doing pretty good. I contribute to the problem by concealing my emotions and putting on a façade of being “OK” to protect the ones I love. I am a master of secrecy, I cry and rage in my car, call friends who are states away to express my woes and otherwise fool myself into believing that I am coping and functioning well.

Being so functional deludes me into complacency. I think because I am capable of taking showers in the morning, feeding the dog, answering e-mails, that things are on the up and up, but truthfully I am just maintaining. I am at the minimum level of my abilities. It is overwhelming to me to face cleaning my desk, setting up a writing schedule that I will adhere to, taking classes that will enrich my life like cooking, writing, knitting, sewing, and self-defense, tending to the dead garden in the backyard, caring for my indoor plants, cleaning up the closet, ordering photos online and putting them in frames and scrapbooks, these things are always on my mind and I condemn myself as a failed human being for putting them off indefinitely. So, there is a price for my continued illusion of stability, it is a tricky balancing act of taking care of myself just enough to appear alright, yet finding other secretive ways to manage the pain and isolation of the illness.

Denial is a wonderfully human trait, many people I know use it as a coping mechanism. Denial, in my mind, causes friends and family to be able to look at me and say, “Wow, she is doing so well” that they cannot imagine the pain, shame, anger, and sadness that I hide from all but the closest confidants. They ascribe my self-awareness as a prophylactic against the more ugly aspects of depression. In truth I am not a trustworthy reporter of my emotional state. Since depression can be burdensome, I want to protect everyone from it and bear the brunt since I am the one who feels defective. The stigma of mental illness in America is not as bad as it once was, but I would hate for someone to chalk any of my moods or behavior up to “being depressed” when they have no clue what it is like to walk in my shoes. It feels dangerous for me to tell people of my “problem”, I often am reticent to disclose this information since I have noticed that sometimes people view you as your symptoms instead of as a human being with a treatable disease.

I want to say that I manage the disease very well and for the most part I do, but sometimes I get so caught up in trying to be a part of everyday life that I forget to take the kind of care of myself that I should. Diet, exercise, and complying with my medication schedule play key rolls in balancing my moods. I get overconfident when I am doing good and can overdue the eating and underdue the exercise to a degree that has devastating effects. No, I am not a drama queen, this is a true disease that can consume lives and cripple individuals robbing them of safety inside their minds. It’s like an alien that takes up residence with no intentions of leaving, one who says nasty things about you and destroys the positives with it’s gloom and doom.

I'm an Aunt again!!!

My brother and sister-in-law had a baby boy this afternoon around 3:30PM. He is 8lbs, 9oz. and healthy and beautiful, I cannot wait to meet him next week.

Childhood Memories

So I have been drawing on things from my childhood that added brightness to my day and helped chase the blues away. Although I have depression that cannot be abated without chemical therapy I believe that trying not to feed into and working on distracting myself to focus on more positives in my life helps to make the depression more manageable and hopefully shorten the duration of my more down periods. Onto childhood memories of happier times and items that I remember best.

Gumby-Hey he’s a little green clab of clay (man, I love the word clab, not to mention his happy-go-lucky theme song), who could ask for anything more? I think what I love most about Gumby is his flexibility and the fact that he has lots of friends, but one close friend, Pokey who is always there for him.

The Warm Fuzzy Tale-I love this book and think everyone on the planet should read it. This is my favorite childhood book and tells the tale of warm fuzzies. What is a warm fuzzy you ask? It is something nice that someone else does for you. It can be small, like a compliment, or large, like someone helping you with your work, but a warm fuzzy is something done from the heart. Cold pricklies are the polar opposite of warm fuzzies, they make people cranky and sad when you give someone a cold prickly. This is a great book for teaching children the impact their words and actions have on others.

The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster-What a funny book, I can still remember sitting in 3rd grade laughing my head off at the adventures of one bored little boy, Milo who ends up on an adventure of mythic proportions. The double entendres in the book are perfect to entertain young adult readers and the skill with which Juster presents his odd cast of characters is nothing short of genius.

In The Year of the Boar and Jackie Robinson by Bette Bao Lord and Marc Simont-This book focuses on a young girl Bandit Wong who emigrates to the United States in 1947. Her trials and tribulations over assimilation into American Culture made me more aware and sensitive to my Grandparents and relatives who came to America from Germany. Her story is paralleled with the tremendous success of Brooklyn Dodger and national hero Jackie Robinson, a black man making a difference both on and off the field. I loved the multi-cultural subject of the book and felt such a kinship with two very different people with so much in common with me, feeling of alienation, wanting to be accepted, and acting in line with your moral and ethical beliefs. A great book!

Labyrinth the movie (of course)-This is my favorite movie, which you might know if you have read any of my previous posts. Jim Henson is a genius full of love and lessons for children of all ages. Plus David Bowie looks uber-hot as the Goblin King despite his pedophile tendencies towards Jennifer Connelly’s teenaged adventuress Sarah.

Star Blazers (AKA Space Battleship Yamato) and Battletech Anime Cartoons I often confuse the characters and storylines from both of these amazing anime series, but still remember them with a great deal of fondness since I loved the soap opera like stories and the three dimensional people portrayed in them. I felt like they were cartoons meant for grown-ups, but marketing to kids here in the U.S. I did find out via Wikipedia that the 5 feature movies created in Japan were meant for adults and that the original film Yamato beat out Star Wars at the Japanese Box Office (gotta love Wiki!). They removed a great deal of violence and sexual references to create the U.S. version so I think I might try and obtain the original Japanese versions of Star Blazers with subtitles if they exist.

Wish Bear from the Care Bears-I don’t know exactly how it came about, but my Mom and I (mostly her hard work and sewing expertise to see it through) wanted a sewing project and we found a Care Bear pattern of my favorite bear and made it in the early 80s. I still smile when I think of Wish Bear, I think he’s in my parents home still and I plan to grab him when I visit for Thanksgiving. His original job is to help make wishes come true, but he also reminds people to believe in their dreams.

Depression: The Guilt Chronicles (Do not read if you are currently feeling down, this is a very sad/angry blog entry)

I am currently suffering from tremendous guilt, my mood is very down today with a lot of horrendously evil self-talk. Maybe if I share these things I am feeling guilty for, it will alleviate some of those sad/mad/bad feelings.

1. I am not living up to my potential, since I have not found a true career and merely work at a job with little or no movement towards any ambitions.
2. Not taking care of myself on a daily basis. I rarely wear makeup, do my hair, or buy and wear fashionable current clothing. I only put on jewelry for special occassions even though I like the way it looks on other people. I don’t get my hair colored and cut or my eyebrows waxed on a regular basis.
3. I fell off the weight watchers wagon this weekend and ate an amount of food that can only be called obscene.
4. I want to be perfect and feel if I can’t then I might as well stay in bed and give up. Totally ridiculous, yes I know.
5. Tired of making and then breaking plans to see friends because I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and in a mood that makes me feel disconnected and unable to truly listen and be happy and present in the moment with them.
6. Fed up with my own excuses and inability to commit to people, events, exercise, and diet.
7. Frustrated with the fact that positive feelings seem so fleeting and the negative ones take up residence for months.
8. Overall disappointment that I spend 40 hours a week at a job that has no redeeming value to society and mostly just feels like I am marking time until the weekend.
9. Sadness and guilt over my recent self-enforced isolation, it leaves many of my friends out in the cold, and robs my family of my support and attention. Makes me very angry with myself and leaves me with fences to mend when I am feeling partially functional.

Believe me, dear reader, when I say, thank you for listening. Thank you for taking the time to read this and assist me in healing. It really does help to get these feelings out of my system and hopefully out of my soul.

Finish the Sentence

Cut and paste this into your blog (or whatever), make the answers your own..
1. I've come to realize that...
Happiness is a choice, not a goal.
2. I am listening to...
KCRW Music and NPR News
3. I talk...
Like I know everything, but I don’t.
4. I love...
Myself, my boyfriend, my family, and my wonderful friends.
5. My best friend(s)...
Are intelligent, beautiful, kind, generous, and self reflective people.
8. I hate it when people...
Don’t seek to learn about and understand themselves.
9. Love is...
Patient.
10. Marriage is....
A brilliant concept, yet sometimes flawed in the execution.
11. Somewhere, someone is...
In need, in trouble, in danger, I must speak out and be their voice.
12. I'll always...
Have hope that each day will be better then the last.
13. I have a secret crush on...
Sloths (the animal, not Sloth from Goonies) and Christopher Walken.
14. The last time I cried was...
This week when a colleague and I were talking about her Grandmother’s courage to help AWOL Italian soldiers during WWII.
15. My cell phone...
Is a piece of junk and should be hurled into oblivion since I never answer it anyway.
16. When I wake up in the morning....
I make sure I am still in one piece.
17. Before I go to sleep at night...
I like to read for a half hour (really I just fall asleep though).
18. Right now I am thinking about...
My boyfriend coming home from out of state for work.
19. Babies are...
Cute and smell good mostly, but they are a ton of work and responsibility.
20. I get on myspace...
Once a week, but I like my blog better.
21. Today I...
Am tired, but proud of myself for working out last night.
22. Tonight I will...
Sleep alone in the bed.
23. Tomorrow I will...
Play softball.
24. I really want...
To work on myself and improve inside and out.
25. The person who most likely to re-post this is...
Anyone who reads this blog.

Blogging: Expectations, Disappointment, and Self-discovery

When I started my blog, I had grandiose ideas of how I would post a new, amazing story or adventure everyday. My hopes were to chronicle what I was eating, reading, listening to, and doing for the enjoyment of friends, family, and strangers alike. However, that is not exactly how it has turned out. Two years and over a hundred posts later I am coming to a more rational understanding of what my blog is to me and how I can best use it in my journey through life.

For my Bat Mitzvah my beloved English/Homeroom teacher bought me my very first journal (actually I might have had one before that, Little Twin Stars, I think, but that one never got used). This journal opened a whole new world to me and started me on an important process of self discovery that has spanned over 30 journals so far. At times in my life when I am feeling lost, stressed, wistful, or inappropriately angry with myself, I open these chronicles of my life to look at where I’ve been. They help me gain perspective and realize that the bumps on the road are merely that. I am a not only a survivor of many heartbreaks, disappointments, and unfair situations, I have thrived and realized many goals to fulfill and satisfy myself. I have made my own definition of success by learning to love myself and learning how to give and accept love. Happiness if the true measure of success for me.

I think that lately I have been taking advantage of the fact that few of my friends and family read my blog so I have slowly been turning it into an online diary. A safe place for me to air my petty grievances against society, spout my radically liberal political views, and try and encourage others to read, write, vote, volunteer, and find their own joys to lead lives that they feel proud of and happy with.

Often I teeter between abject despair and shiny idealism, no doubt a throwback to my High School days when any situation fraught with drama was entertaining fodder for the gossip mongers. (Sometimes I ask myself, if we, as a culture are addicted to the soap opera highs and lows that are so frequently in our headlines, but that is a topic which I will have to explore at a later date.) Seeing my previous entries in my journals helps me step back and see things with a more objective eye since I am no longer trapped in the raging storm of emotions since I have committed them to paper and am in no danger of “losing” them. Writing out an emotion provides catharsis and it sometimes feel like I am listening to myself. Giving myself the time and attention that I need to feel like I have been heard. Does that sound stupid?

So, this wasn’t exactly what I meant it to be, this blog is no great masterwork of entertainment. Instead it is a mish-mosh of personal musings meant to inspire, irritate, or amuse, but mostly it is just about and for me.

Patriotism is Voting

Yesterday I faxed the registrar of voters here in California to do a change of address so I can vote close to my home here in the elections coming up on November 7th. Last election my information was still saying I lived at my previous address so I had to vote after work near my previous residence.

I would like to take the opportunity to remind my readers that people died and suffered horribly so that we, minorities (and by this I mean all people aside from white males) could have the privilege of having our voice heard by our government. Do not squander this important legacy with apathy and the attitude that “things won’t change”. Please, please, please go and vote. Even if you only are interested in big ticket elections like governor or secretary of state, fill out your ballot for those and don’t do the state measures. Or if you are really interested in educating yourself and voting your mind, get out there on the internet and look at a non-partisan website devoted to explaining the state and city elections in your area. I like the League of Women Voters site (not just for women by the way), their Vote 411 site is a non-partisan look at the elections state by state. You can even find out where your voting site is on Vote 411, so no excuses.

I’d like to challenge my readers to take a friend or loved one with them to vote. You exemplify your love of America and the freedoms of this country by voting, you honor yourself and those who came before you while making a better place for those who will come after you. I sincerely hope that people who read this will take to heart the importance of expressing their beliefs through voting. Let me be very clear, I could care less who you vote for, I am not trying to grandstand to further my political agenda (I’ll save that for other posts), but I will stress how very vital and integral voting is to the people of the United States of America. Unequivocally, everyone of voting age should take advantage of expressing their views on where this country should go through the election process.

Personal Hero: Walter Cronkite and his support of the DPA

When I was a girl I was fond of sitting on the couch watching drug deals and people doing cocaine on Miami Vice, the series that epitomized 80s excess. I would sing, “Users are losers, and losers are users, so don’t use drugs, don’t use drugs”. The DARE(Drug Abuse Resistance Education) program educated me on avoiding people partaking illicit drugs and how to recognize the sites and smells associated with illegal substances. In my young mind, marijuana, cocaine, and heroin were the dirtiest, most foul depths a person could sink to. My perspective was black and white at the time and drugs were completely evil.

As I got older, I learned that many pharmaceuticals utilized the very drugs that on the street were considered anathema, so what was the difference? A prescription and name change could turn a heroine derivative into an acceptable, much needed pain reliever? I was beginning to learn that there were a lot of gray areas and that some illegal drugs had benefits to the medical establishment.

Because of their illegal nature, I was reticent to put my name on petitions for the government to legalize some illicit drugs for medical use (particularly marijuana since that is the one that appears to benefit glaucoma, cancer, and MS patients the most). Here’s where Walter “The Most Trusted Man in America” Cronkite comes in. He wrote what I would consider a fund raising letter on behalf of the Drug Policy Alliance. I was absolutely astonished by his whole-hearted condemnation of the War on Drugs. To have such a respected former journalist supporting an organization in such contradiction of the government’s policies was, in my mind, incredible.

He bravely observes that the War on Drugs is a failure, “Hundreds of billions of dollars have been spent on this effort-with no one held accountable for its failure”.

He tells us about those people unjustly hurt by this so-called war, people imprisoned for ludicrous terms when their mistakes were being in the wrong place at the wrong time. People who were poor and desperate who made the wrong decisions, but are now paying the price in prisons that are already overcrowded with addicts who need treatment not imprisonment.

The hypocrisy our government perpetrates on a daily basis to continue to deny the American people reasonable medical relief. Walter says, “The federal government has fought terminally ill patients whose doctors say medical marijuana could provide a modicum of relief from their suffering…as though a cancer patient who uses marijuana to relieve the wrenching nausea caused by chemotherapy is somehow a criminal who threatens the public”. When will we stop wasting time and money on condemnation instead of recognizing that some substances have legitimate and studied medical benefits?

Please support the Drug Policy Alliance, they are an active leader in “fighting for desperately needed on-the-ground reforms”. We need policies based on medical facts and humane treatment of those with addictions not arbitrary mandatory sentences for people. Thank you Mr. Cronkite for opening my eyes to this waste of money and resources. Thank you for advocating for those who’s voices are not being heard, the sick, the imprisoned, and I will gladly add my voice to yours.

Graduation

Yesterday I attended a very important event, the graduation ceremony of Jedi’s Crossing the Digital Divide class. Jedi taught the class as a volunteer and was so proud of his students. The entire class is made up of recovering drug addicts who are committed to learning how to use computers to improve their life situations. The range in age is broad and the backgrounds diverse, but everyone was so proud and excited at their accomplishments they came together in this environment of hope to briefly enjoy their step to a better future. What most impressed me were the student speakers who shared their stories of struggle and battles with addiction. All of them had the courage to announce to the world that they were still works in progress and that each accomplishment was huge in light of their past. The beauty of seeing people learning to trust themselves again was evident throughout the evening.

Another aspect of the Graduation and the class itself was how thirsty the students were for knowledge and how thankful they were to their teachers. Everyone had kind words for the people who helped them along the way. My heart was full hearing people praise Jedi’s patience and helpfulness. Now I might be biased, but I know for a fact that my boyfriend is a brilliant teacher. He has patience that would put a saint to shame, he teaches in his professional life and was proud that his students from Cri-help and House of Uhuru who attended the Crossing the Digital Divide class were more willing to learn then some of his clients. What a beautiful experience to be a part of. How good it feels to see people work towards and achieve their goals.

To read some graduating student’s stories, please look here.

Empty Places Inside

A malaise of sadness has been sneaking up behind me and overwhelming my emotions at rather inconvenient times this week.

I try and stuff the bleakness down into my gut with a myriad of delicious food stuffs that seem to sink into the bottomless pit of emptiness that is inside me. No reason or rationalization in my life for this horrible ache that accompanies the tears and irritated outbursts, but I was so hopeful these feelings were a thing of the past that I forgot to keep journaling to get them out or taking the time for a peaceful bath and cathartic weeping session to balance all the good feelings I was just starting to get.

I put a great deal of internal pressure on myself to be a kind, generous, loving, and supportive friend, a rational, passionate, and fair partner to my boyfriend, and a conscientious, hard-working, team player at work. These stresses sometimes have the complete opposite effect, I end up angry at myself for overcommitting when I am already feeling that I do not have the time to myself that I want or need. Putting myself aside, my exhaustion, my anger, my disappointments so I won’t cause other’s to be without. How arrogant of me, so self-important that I don’t believe my friends can carry on without me, that my partner is incapable of entertaining himself for an evening while I contemplate my belly button or simply meditate with no time limit and no interruptions. The skills I learned while in self defense class for setting limits and gauging my expectations of myself have been moldering in a corner while I work myself into a frenzy of perfection. Sad indeed.

My body pays the price with literal tears of frustration and loss. I have lost myself within the immense machine that I have allowed to become my life. My schedule runs roughshod over me until I am unable to enjoy myself. I dread each new event, because it is a commitment of time I need to rebuild my inner world. My core of peace and balance has deserted me. Is this a pity-party?

In some ways yes, it most certainly is, but my prayers are that it is a wake-up call to stop seeling myself short. To recognize that is does no one any good if I am so depleted that I cannot be happy for them or for myself. Enjoyment is hard to feel through the fog of embarrasment I feel over admitting this shortcoming. The inability to haul myself up by my bootstraps and “take it like a man”. I have forever been jealous of friends (mostly men) who are capable of compartmentalizing their feelings while I feel overtaken, highjacked if you will by my negativities. Perhaps I will find a way to take back my life, to have authentic smiles and concerns for other’s instead of this indulgent sadness. Maybe even today.

There are no "A"s in Life

My parents raised me to believe I was a special one of a kind person with skills and talents unlike any person before me.

What a shock is was to me when after many auditions for plays and musicals I found that not only was I not especially good at acting, singing, and dancing, but I was not very good at hiding my disappointment and self-hatred at what I considered to be failure. I was often angry at the world for having tons of potential, but nothing to use it on.

Briefly, I had a respite from my inner struggle and disillusionment. While I was not leading lady material, at least not to my choir teachers, my dance teachers, or my drama teacher I found my place behind the scenes.

For ten years I immersed myself in all aspects of audio, from live sound reinforcement, to studio recordings, to dialog editing in Hollywood my passion and focus was sound. When I graduated from college a year into what some would call my “dream” career I suffered a horrible set-back when I realized that not only was there not enough work for someone editing as slowly and meticulously as I did, but there was also the reality that editing is a lonely and isolating job, not good for someone who suffers overwhelming depression.

So, after 9 years of having mildly technical jobs that neither take advantage of my knowledge nor my personality I am trying to find fulfillment elsewhere. I am coming to the belated conclusion that my place to shine may not ever be in the career field. That I might not make loads of cash or ever have people hanging on my every word like “The Donald”, I might just be a regular girl with very regular hopes and dreams. Being normal is becoming my goal, success can be measured in friends and days spent in happiness instead of anger or sadness. I am trying to look at and embrace the things I have instead of wallowing in “could-haves”, regrets, and “what ifs”. It’s healthier for me to stop using my energy and life force wondering why the world no longer revolves around me like it did when I was a child. I guess it’s called growing up and gaining perspective.

3 Babies and an Engagement

Lots to be celebrated today! Congratulations to one and all!

Moolah, Dead Presidents, Green, Benjamins, Cashola....

Money is such a dirty word in America. It's worse then talking about sex using four letter words or even discussing your political predilections in mixed company (elephants and donkeys of course). I'm not sure how or when money became such a volatile topic for me. From the making to the spending, to the saving, to the lending, to the borrowing, money-talk has always seemed taboo. Let's excavate this topic for a moment and think back to the very first time I realized that commerce and the exchange of cash being present in everyday life. WeÂ’ll go back to a time over two decades ago when it was first explained to me that the wonderful gift I received, food I ate, car I rode around in, and even the clothes on my back were bought by my parents, cash, check, or credit?

As a little girl this meant fewer barbie dolls then my best friend, as a tween it meant no designer jeans (unless they could be found on sale at TJ Maxx) or knockoff brands from K-Mart. Things weren't tight, but my parents believed in being thrifty to a certain extent so that I was at the very least aware of the sacrifices that were made so our family could live comfortably.

Moving into adulthood I remeber vague conversations about the evil of credit and how it could ruin your entire life and bring eternal embarassment to your friends and family. Therefore I opted for a secured credit card (one that has a cash account to back up any purchases made) with a $500 limit. I managed it fairly well and had my first real credit card the year I graduated college. Boy, am I glad I waited.

Credit is such an odd thing. On one hand, you need to carry some debt (be it a car loan or student loan) to ensure that you have credit. On the other hand, you cannot be too over extended or you're considered a risk. It's complicated, as are stocks, bonds, 401Ks, loans, APR, and interest rates. Also, it is not something people bring up with family or friends regularly enough to feel comfortable.

Money has taken on an emphemeral quality in this age of debit cards, electronic checks, and online payment options. We never handle our money, feel it's soft papery fabric, handle the change as we pay, it is there, but rarely seen or used. I actually do not like carrying money since it is so easy to make purchases with my checkbook or cards. Laziness, I know, but also so simple to just spend ruthlessly without forethought for my purchases or recognition of the consequences to my already tight budget. How irresponsible of me. How do you feel about your money?

Classes Every High School Should Teach

In my opinion there were not a whole lot of practical classes at my High School while I was there. Granted I was in a well respected public school with many intelligent students and inspiring teachers, but between my torturous math classes and my fun drama classes, there was a bunch of real world topic left entirely untouched. Today we are going to explore those skills I feel should have been included in my education.

1. Finance 101: From opening a checking account and savings account to balancing your checkbook and what overdraft means, I think the U.S. is sorely lacking where money is concerned.

2. Credit Cards and the meaning of APR: I did not get my first credit card until I graduated college and I have to admit it probably would have benefitted me well if I never decided to sign on the dotted line. Part of me thinks that credit cards are just evil. They increase your purchasing power and you end up spending more money on the interst rate on an item you really couldn't afford in the first place.

3. How to pay bills on time. Learning to pay attention to the bills piling up around you instead of having an out-of-sight-out-of-mind attitude. How do you think all those credit card APRs increased? Late payments my friends.

4. Why you need a job with benefits. Not only would this class teach all of the various aspects of health coverage, dental, vision, and 401Ks, but it would teach you how to navigate the complicated maze of representatives to get the answers you need. Basically it would be how to deal with customer service reps without screaming profanities.

5. Trouble shooting the squeaks, squels, and grinds your car makes with the added skill of learning how to change a tire right next to a busy freeway entrance.

6. How to write a resume and preparing for a job interview. This class would prepare students for their first jobs, from how to search the internet and want adds for jobs to how to create a resume. They would learn what to wear and how to act on a job interview as well.

So, there it is. Are there any classes you wish you'd had in school?

Depression: The past several months

Relationships are no protection against depression, they do not cure the crushing despair and bleak hopelessness that besiege the seriously depressed. I used to think if I had the right friends, the best family, and the most wonderful boyfriend that I wouldn't feel this way, that I would be insulated from the terrible thoughts, utter aloneness, and cyclicle desperation that assault me in the grip of despair. Sometimes I think I'm actually getting a handle on it, feeling better, seeing the proverbial silver lining to the clouds. In fact there will be whole afternoons of light and laughter that crowd out the darkness, but I can wake up the next day to that voice in my head saying. "I told you so, I told you not to hope, not to wish for anything better".

Thankfully we, as a modern society, both have the tools to treat depression and the maturity to accept the elusiveness of the disease. I have been feeling better the past two weeks and expect the ascent to continue. It’s ironic to me that I can have a day where I am able to cook, clean, and even read without being too tired for these activities or getting caught up in repetitious negative thoughts and to me that is being hyper when to most people it is normality. I just reread the last sentence, and I have no idea if it makes sense to anyone other then me. Anyhow, if you have not experienced the crippling nature of depression, please be mindful when speaking to us who have. This is a serious illness and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Thank you to family and friends who have continued to reach out to me. Depression is so selfish that I am not always able to respond appropriately to those I hold dear.

Lego my Boyfriend!

I am Lego widow. Jedi has been playing Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy for 20+ hours now and he stares at the screen with such ferocious intensity that I’m beginning to wonder if he’s brainwashed. Seriously, yesterday he was playing and I was beginning to get jealous of how consumed he was by the game. Now this is not your ordinary video game or one of the hideous life warping online multi-player games, it is a fun, interactive videogame that uses several recognizable gaming platforms to both entertain and challenge the user. I, as well as the geeks at Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim suggest you check it out. Oh, and take your significant other on a date so she/he won’t feel left out…you could even go to Legoland!

If I were a rich man...

Jedi and I recently attended a cross-dressing party.
Here's me as a Jewish Rabbi.

Time for another quiz made up by me:

1. Most beneficial aspect of living with roommates: Someone else is there to empty the dishwasher when you don’t feel like it.

2. Worst thing about living with roommates: They see your dirty laundry (literal and figurative).

3. Most surprising old movie that I enjoyed watching: Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, this movie was truly frightening, what a star turn for aging diva Bette Davis to play the sadomasochistic Baby Jane. I was happily surpriised to find this movie thoroughly horrorifying yet incredibley believable. Campy yet captivating.

4. Most surprising old book that I enjoyed reading: Psycho by Robert Bloch. It is NOTHING like the movie!!! I blasted through this book in two days and was turning the pages so fast to devour this story who’s villian bore very little resembelance to the Norman Bates created by Anthony Perkins. Both the movie and the book are masterpieces, but I wish when Gus Van Zandt made the movie he would have considered being truer to Bloch’s deranged antagonist. The Norman Bates in the book was not only eerie, but so much more interesting psychologically then what was portrayed in the movie.

5. Something that annoys you about yourself: I cannot wear earring for a long period of time because something about having the weight on my ears makes me feel congestion and I usually get a headache too.

6. Ordinary people in your family that you admire: My Great Uncle, who served in the American Army (tank division, I think) during WWII shortly after imigrating to American because things were so bad for Jews in his homeland of Germany. Also, my sister and my cousin because they are both teachers and have incredible patience that I am in awe of.

7. Bad habit from childhood that you’ve carried to adulthood: licking and biting my lips (I apply lipstick/gloss habitually)

8. An aspect of your personality you are proud of: I am most proud of my ability to look at problems from a variety of viewpoints and try to understand where people are coming from. Plus I think I am more solution oriented then seeking to place blame when things go wrong.

9. Something you are surprised you haven’t done yet in your life: Take my scuba diving lessons. I received the gift certificate 2 years ago and still have not carved out enough time in my schedule to take the classes…I am horrible!

10. Something you are surprised you have already done in your life: Still living in Los Angeles, I thought after college I would move back to my hometown, but I’ve now been in the City of Angels for over a decadea and can’t really imagine living anywhere else anytime soon.

11. Favorite old cartoon: I was a HUGE fan of Heathcliff (I can still sing the entire theme song to the cartoon…and yes, I am very proud of it..lol).

12. Favorite boardgame: It used to be LIFE, but has recently changed to Scrabble. Even though I don’t play often, I love boardgames!

13. Secret special way you reward yourself when you have accomplished a goal: Well now, I can’t tell you because then it wouldn’t be a secret!

14. How do you make a difference in the world each day: I recycle cans and bottles at my workplace and give them to people near my home who are collecting recycling. I also try to walk to lunch or bring my lunch to work since my commute requires me to drive for an hour each way.

15. When was the last time you drank TANG: About ten years ago in college I drank TANG everyday, so I guess it’s been awhile.

Be Prepared!

September is National Preparedness Month, in honor of this very important event my company is having an Emergency Preparedness Fair. They will be selling and raffling emergency kits for the home, car, and office and educating people about what essential items need to be kept at each location to ensure the occupant the highest rate of survival should a catastrophe hit. We should all learn a lesson from Katrina we need to be prepared for at least 3-5 days fending for ourselves should anything unforeseen happen (read terrorist attack, natural disaster, act of G-d, etc.). If you want to be a true goodie-goodie, then pack supplies for you, your family, and pets for 2 weeks. This means water, food, medications, pet carriers, change of clothing, and hard soled shoes for everyone, flashlights, and a battery operated radio.

As an individual I am being trained as an Emergency Warden at work. This training consists of renewing my CPR certificate, learning to use an AED, first aid and mass casualty triage, fire safety including learning to use a fire extinguisher, psychological first aid, action plans to use in the event of air crash, flood, fire, hazardous materials spill, blood born pathogens, and earthquakes. A lot of information no doubt, but I’m exciting about learning so much. Knowledge being power and all that, hopefully I will never have to use any of it, but at least the bare bones basics of caring for myself and others will be there if it should ever be necessary (just like my self-defense class…learn it, but hope never to need it).

One of the most important highlights of my first class this week was having an escape plan in the event of a fire. Fire in and of itself is not always the most threatening aspect, the smoke can kill so quickly that to be without an escape route can mean doom. Looks like something I need to bug my roommates about…won’t they be thrilled?

$64 Million Question: What is wrong with Policticians?

Came across this little gem from the Associated Press today:

“President Bush has no qualms about raising campaign cash for Sen. George Allen (news, bio, voting record) despite the Republican's widely assailed quip in which he called a rival campaign worker of Indian descent a "macaca."

In recent days, Allen has faced a barrage of criticism since he used the word to describe Virginia native S.R. Sidarth, a 20-year-old University of Virginia senior who was video taping a campaign event for Allen's Democratic challenger Jim Webb.”

If some of you out there missed Senator Allen’s intelligent remark (meant sarcastically here) then I advise you to take a look here.

Do the American people need divisiveness? Or should I say any more divisiveness as a nation? Politicians loss sight of the people they are supposed to be representing. Whether you are a Republican, Democrat, Independent, or choose not to affiliate yourself due to the shame of our so-called multi-party system shouldn’t the main focus be the welfare of the American people as a whole? Shouldn’t the focus be on education, eliminating hunger and homelessness and finding peaceful solutions to conflict so our children don’t have to make the sacrifices that their fathers, mothers, grandfathers, and uncles have had to make? Yep, I am an idealist.

Why? Even with turmoil continuing in Israel, Iraq, and Darfur do I choose to be positive? I know I can make a difference. I know that together humanity can overcome poor environmental goals, dependence on oil and non-renewable resources, we can bring food to people in need both here and abroad, and put an end to this political stupidity that we have been stuck in for so long. Stop focusing on the bottom line, the almighty dollar, because what we are losing is beyond any price…our dignity, our self-respect, and our humanity.

Please help by signing this.

The education of Megastein

So I bought a designer shirt a couple months ago at Ross for $5.99. The cotton was soft and worn feeling and the front was emblazoned with the brand name, “Von Dutch”. After wearing the shirt several times my roommate, The Brown One noticed it and expressed her shock and surprise that I would wear a “Von Dutch” item. Thinking she was referring to the fact that I rarely espouse name brands that are popular and/or expensive I asked, “Why wouldn’t I?” She revealed that Kenny Howard, the motorcycle mechanic whose heirs had begun the Von Dutch brand was a well known anti-semite.

I looked up Von Dutch on Wikipedia and found the following: “According to an article in the Orange County Weekly "He was quite a racist; didn’t like anybody. He had all the trappings of being a neo-Nazi. He could not tolerate black people," said Robert Williams, whose friendship with Dutch cooled over time, but never ended.” I also read a biography written by a friend of his for 38 years celebrates his artistic talent and non-conformist beliefs. No doubt he was a nice guy, I have friends whose parents are racist and homophobic and they are as nice as anyone you’d meet on the street, but that doesn’t mean I want to support their ignorant philosopies. Thanks for the enlightenment dear roommate.

Book Review: Shark Trouble by Peter Benchley (Audiobook)

I live about a mile from the ocean, well within walking distance. It is something I take for granted, just a fact of my everday life, but Shark Trouble has changed my view of the vast blue that crashes against the coast. Not only has Shark Trouble changed my view on the sea, but it has affected the way I view the animals in it and the impact the oceans of the world have on the Earth and all the life on this teeny blue planet. For this author, the man responsible for birthing Jaws on an already frightened and ignorant public to become such an avid shark conversationalist and advocate of educating the public on the raping of our oceans is dramatic enough to write a book about.

When authors read their own books it creates an unforgettable performance, cohesion between the performer and the work that is not always there in other circumstances. Most memorable of all was hearing Stephen King read Bag of Bones with a perfectly brilliant Maine accent that made me laugh and sent chills up my spine all at once. Because they are the characters they create and because they know the reaction that they would like to elicit from the audience authors who record their books to tape embody the story and that’s what you heard during this audiobook. Benchley’s passion and love of the ocean were not only evident, but articulate. His humor, warmth, and wonder is in every chapter of this compelling, educational, and eminently readable non-fiction book. If I wanted to learn to scuba dive before reading Shark Trouble, I want to do it even more now that I know the otherworldly quality of our ocean’s inhabitants. Benchley tells of first hand accounts of encounters with a variety of shark species, rays, and whales that highlight the utter alienness of the sea. There are plenty of horror stories of real shark encounters contained in the text, but Benchley highlights that these attacks are often the result of natural shark behavior patterns and not the menacing, man-eating shark madness that overtook the media in the summer of 2001.

If you love the ocean, if you cherish it’s many residents and want to learn more then this is a perfect read.

Writing on Request

Less then a year ago I sent out a request to family and friends to send me a piece of writing on whatever topic they choose. My goal was to find out more about my loved ones through their use of the written word. Well, I found out something about my family and friends since then, they seem to regard writing as a chore. Or maybe they are uncomfortable revealing information in a form that can be misinterpreted or limited in the sense that it shows only one of many aspects of themselves.

Or maybe they don’t have an affinity for the written word the way that I do. Several friends sent stories that they had created for other venues which were nice to receive since it gave me new insight into them and let me hear what their personal, stream of consciousness sounds like. One friend, Suki, who I have known since High School shared the following poem she had written shortly before the birth of her first child.

Tiny quarter-sized, doe-eyed flower bud
Floating weightless in a warm garden pond
New ears sense my heart close by, and my
Singing, singing of a seven-week old bond

From the moment I knew you were there
I loved you

Sweet angel blessing, I waited five years for my
Sunflower, iris bulb, maple tree baby, so deep
In my dreams, little wish-on-a-star bebe,
Morning and night, I sing and I weep

From the moment I knew you were there
I loved you

Little blossoming cloud in a bubble in the sky,
One day you'll be born, grow up, move away -
I will guide your sails 'til your own ship you steer
To far away worlds; your own dreams lead the way.

You will find your own twin soul, endless stars love -
You will grow your own peace to which you will belong -
I won't be there to rock you, to kiss you, to sing,
But miracle baby, remember my song

The moment I knew you were there,
I loved you.

It’s true that when it comes to Birthday gifts I usually like homemade better then store bought. For past celebrations I have requested favorite recipes and homemade CDs that reflect the taste of the sender. I guess last year my expectation of people was a bit out of line with reality. Of course looking back on my request I feel like it was more a wish to bring people closer that was poorly expressed. Something to work on for this year.

Personal Hero: Billy Joel

Billy Joel understands my pain. Not one song can cheer me up when I have the blues the way that Billy’s songs can. His appreciation of the human experience is evident in “This is the Time to Remember” and his awareness of the plight of others can be heard in “Allentown”(one of my personal favorites, I love the way the beginning of the song starts with the whistle and strong downbeat). His sense of humor is evident in “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” and his spirituality glows in “River of Dreams”. If possible, in my lifetime I would like to see Billy Joel in concert (he was recently in LA and Blondie and Karaoke Queen saw him and said he was incredible) and maybe experience some of his tremendous energy up close and personal.

“You’re only Human (Second Wind)” could probably be my theme song. The music is whimsical, but the topic serious and there are more time then I can count where I have been at the end of my proverbial rope and something whispers in my ear,
” Sometimes you just want to lay down and die
That emotion can be so strong
But hold on
Till that old second wind comes along”
and I have to smile to myself because I know it’s true. Joel has been through much worse things then I have, he understands that you cannot be at your best 100% of the time and that part of being human is having the hope that things will get better. That just around the corner the clouds will lift, everything won’t be so horrible or so serious, and if you are patient, the bad times will pass. If you are ever feeling bad, having a day where you just can’t seem to accomplish what needs to be done, or having trouble finding your focus, or feeling stable put on this song and you won’t feel quite so alone. Heck put on most any Billy Joel song and just the music will put you in a better frame of mind, never mind the lyrics.

“I Go to Extremes” is a song that could be biographically about me. I'll leave it to you dear reader to seek out the song and figure out why I think it applies to me.

Post Secret

The post secret site interests me so much. There is something so freeing and appealing about writing down your most intimate thoughts and having them broadcast to thousands via the internet. Many people who send in secrets are people I can see aspects of my own secret life in. They share thoughts of loneliness, love, anger, alienation, joy, and most important, at least to me, hope. The people who write these postcards are courageous; they are sending a small part of themselves out into the universe to let others know they are not alone.

The secrets I would share might include the following:

“I accidentally scrapped my bumper yesterday and am too ashamed to tell anyone.”
“I put a candy bar in my pocket while carrying a bunch of other items at the grocery store and accidentally left the store without paying for it. This was 8 years ago and I still feel guilty.”
“Sometimes I don’t let people merge in front of me if they don’t use their blinker. Sometimes I don’t use mine and get angry when people won’t let me in.”
“I have a crush on the Vlasic Pickle spokesman, he’s an animated stork.”
“When I get migraine headaches, I secretly suspect death would be less painful.”
“My first boyfriend left me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. He ended up sleeping with a girl I thought was my good friend. I prayed every night that she would get pregnant and they would have to get married.”
“I am no longer friends with my childhood best friend and I don’t really understand why. It’s still a source of sadness, regret, and strangely, relief.”

What secrets would you send out for the world to see?

A Touch of Melancholia

Since returning from our trip to East Coast I have been suffering a visit from my old friend negativity. I am upset about the state of the world, the fighting in Israel, continued death and destruction in Iraq, stupid anti-semetic drunk actors, and starving and homeless in my own neighborhood. My feelings about myself are also rather bleak. I’m back on Weight Watchers trying to lose the weight that took almost a year to lose the first time…again. My migraines were back last week with a vengeance and an entire day was wasted in sleep (my favorite pastime, yes, but I prefer to choose when).

On the upside I have been dieting and getting some exercise (which is better then the none that I had been doing). I have also been catching up on some books I have been meaning to read for awhile (life is short, books are abundant! I hope they have libraries in heaven). Overall the state of my mind is one of feeling a lingering sadness over my own powerlessness to make the world a better place on a large scale. Realistically, there is a lot I am already doing, but with the recent crisis it doesn’t feel very effective. I am an armchair activist and this is a source of frustration for me because I become absolutely paralyzed when I think about all the things I could and should be doing for future generations.

I have not felt like writing lately because everything that is typed onto my screen strikes me as being so insignificant to the news from Darfur, Israel, and Iraq. So, dear reader, please be patient with me and I will turn this attitude around and get in a better state of mind to entertain and enlighten you.

Silly Quiz

1. FIRST, MIDDLE AND LAST NAME : MEGASTEIN (kinda like Cher, Madonna, or BONO)

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My two great, great Aunts who may have died in the holocaust.

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? On Friday morning after seeing my boyfriend's grandparents. I have no living grandparents and love his as if they were my own.

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Nope, it looks like I should be a doctor, I want to take a penmanship class before I have children.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? HAM, PORK, or BACON, anything pig related.

6. KIDS? Someday, be they biological, adopted, or foster, I don't care.

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Heck I am friends with myself right now (I have great conversations with me when no one else is around).

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yes, many, filled with evil, delicious secrets, heartbreaks, teenage gossip and nonsense. Maybe someday I will publish them.

9. DO YOU ! USE SARCASM A LOT? Who? Me?? Never!

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS Yep.

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE? Not unless I was paid or threatened.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Frosted mini-wheats are my achilles heel.

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Rarely.

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Emotionally I am resilient, physically, I am lazy, but a work in progress.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Butter pecan or the peppermint stick ice cream sold at a place in my hometown.

16. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? If they make good, solid eye contact.

17. RED OR PINK? Red, but only because it looks so good on my honey.

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I have difficulty following through on things for myself and am often a very mean critic to myself.

19. ANY BROTHERS OR SISTERS? One biological bro, one adopted sister, and four guys that I consider bros since they lived with us when I was a kid.

20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Why not?

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? No pants (tee-hee, I'm wearing a skirt you dirty reader! Shame on you for thinking otherwise) and silver heels.

22. THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Strawberry Smoothie from Weight Watchers (only 1 pt).

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Sound of typing in the cubes next to me.

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Burnt Sienna definitely!

25. FAVORITE SMELLS? Coffee, fresh lemons, roasted turkey, baking peach pie, gardenias, and my boyfriends neck.

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My sister.

27. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Duh!!! Of course!

28. FAVORITE DRINK? Water(sparkling & flat), Diet Coke with lemon, green tea, good Brazilian coffee.

29. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? World's Strongest Man Competition (I am NOT joking...I once considered naming my first born son Magnus)


30. HAIR COLOR? Brown.

31. EYE COLOR? Blue-grey.


32. Do YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope

33. FAVORITE FOOD? Soup (I love boullian), pickles, beets, and cabbage.

34. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy ending.

35. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED IN THEATER? Click, it was terrible, don't waste your money or time.

36. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING pink sweater set

37. SUMMER OR WINTER? Neither, I am fan of Fall and Spring.

38. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses, I love kisses!!!

39. FAVORITE DESSERT? Any type of fruit pie with vanilla bean ice cream.

40. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I guess it's me!

41. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Not a clue.

42. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? The Myth of You and Me by Leah Stewart (very good book about women friendships)

43. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? It was provided by my work.

44. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST ON TV LAST NIGHT? Deadwood, 2 episodes, great acting and writing!

45. FAVORITE SOUNDS My boyfriend's even breathing when he's sleeping. The sounds of ocean waves and wind.

46. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Stones! Cause you can't always get what you want....

47. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? England

48. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I love to read and write, not sure if those qualify as being special.

49. WHEN WERE YOU BORN? Late Sept, I am a Libra...I balance.

50. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Northern California.