There are no "A"s in Life

My parents raised me to believe I was a special one of a kind person with skills and talents unlike any person before me.

What a shock is was to me when after many auditions for plays and musicals I found that not only was I not especially good at acting, singing, and dancing, but I was not very good at hiding my disappointment and self-hatred at what I considered to be failure. I was often angry at the world for having tons of potential, but nothing to use it on.

Briefly, I had a respite from my inner struggle and disillusionment. While I was not leading lady material, at least not to my choir teachers, my dance teachers, or my drama teacher I found my place behind the scenes.

For ten years I immersed myself in all aspects of audio, from live sound reinforcement, to studio recordings, to dialog editing in Hollywood my passion and focus was sound. When I graduated from college a year into what some would call my “dream” career I suffered a horrible set-back when I realized that not only was there not enough work for someone editing as slowly and meticulously as I did, but there was also the reality that editing is a lonely and isolating job, not good for someone who suffers overwhelming depression.

So, after 9 years of having mildly technical jobs that neither take advantage of my knowledge nor my personality I am trying to find fulfillment elsewhere. I am coming to the belated conclusion that my place to shine may not ever be in the career field. That I might not make loads of cash or ever have people hanging on my every word like “The Donald”, I might just be a regular girl with very regular hopes and dreams. Being normal is becoming my goal, success can be measured in friends and days spent in happiness instead of anger or sadness. I am trying to look at and embrace the things I have instead of wallowing in “could-haves”, regrets, and “what ifs”. It’s healthier for me to stop using my energy and life force wondering why the world no longer revolves around me like it did when I was a child. I guess it’s called growing up and gaining perspective.