Empty Places Inside

A malaise of sadness has been sneaking up behind me and overwhelming my emotions at rather inconvenient times this week.

I try and stuff the bleakness down into my gut with a myriad of delicious food stuffs that seem to sink into the bottomless pit of emptiness that is inside me. No reason or rationalization in my life for this horrible ache that accompanies the tears and irritated outbursts, but I was so hopeful these feelings were a thing of the past that I forgot to keep journaling to get them out or taking the time for a peaceful bath and cathartic weeping session to balance all the good feelings I was just starting to get.

I put a great deal of internal pressure on myself to be a kind, generous, loving, and supportive friend, a rational, passionate, and fair partner to my boyfriend, and a conscientious, hard-working, team player at work. These stresses sometimes have the complete opposite effect, I end up angry at myself for overcommitting when I am already feeling that I do not have the time to myself that I want or need. Putting myself aside, my exhaustion, my anger, my disappointments so I won’t cause other’s to be without. How arrogant of me, so self-important that I don’t believe my friends can carry on without me, that my partner is incapable of entertaining himself for an evening while I contemplate my belly button or simply meditate with no time limit and no interruptions. The skills I learned while in self defense class for setting limits and gauging my expectations of myself have been moldering in a corner while I work myself into a frenzy of perfection. Sad indeed.

My body pays the price with literal tears of frustration and loss. I have lost myself within the immense machine that I have allowed to become my life. My schedule runs roughshod over me until I am unable to enjoy myself. I dread each new event, because it is a commitment of time I need to rebuild my inner world. My core of peace and balance has deserted me. Is this a pity-party?

In some ways yes, it most certainly is, but my prayers are that it is a wake-up call to stop seeling myself short. To recognize that is does no one any good if I am so depleted that I cannot be happy for them or for myself. Enjoyment is hard to feel through the fog of embarrasment I feel over admitting this shortcoming. The inability to haul myself up by my bootstraps and “take it like a man”. I have forever been jealous of friends (mostly men) who are capable of compartmentalizing their feelings while I feel overtaken, highjacked if you will by my negativities. Perhaps I will find a way to take back my life, to have authentic smiles and concerns for other’s instead of this indulgent sadness. Maybe even today.