Depression: The Guilt Chronicles (Do not read if you are currently feeling down, this is a very sad/angry blog entry)

I am currently suffering from tremendous guilt, my mood is very down today with a lot of horrendously evil self-talk. Maybe if I share these things I am feeling guilty for, it will alleviate some of those sad/mad/bad feelings.

1. I am not living up to my potential, since I have not found a true career and merely work at a job with little or no movement towards any ambitions.
2. Not taking care of myself on a daily basis. I rarely wear makeup, do my hair, or buy and wear fashionable current clothing. I only put on jewelry for special occassions even though I like the way it looks on other people. I don’t get my hair colored and cut or my eyebrows waxed on a regular basis.
3. I fell off the weight watchers wagon this weekend and ate an amount of food that can only be called obscene.
4. I want to be perfect and feel if I can’t then I might as well stay in bed and give up. Totally ridiculous, yes I know.
5. Tired of making and then breaking plans to see friends because I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and in a mood that makes me feel disconnected and unable to truly listen and be happy and present in the moment with them.
6. Fed up with my own excuses and inability to commit to people, events, exercise, and diet.
7. Frustrated with the fact that positive feelings seem so fleeting and the negative ones take up residence for months.
8. Overall disappointment that I spend 40 hours a week at a job that has no redeeming value to society and mostly just feels like I am marking time until the weekend.
9. Sadness and guilt over my recent self-enforced isolation, it leaves many of my friends out in the cold, and robs my family of my support and attention. Makes me very angry with myself and leaves me with fences to mend when I am feeling partially functional.

Believe me, dear reader, when I say, thank you for listening. Thank you for taking the time to read this and assist me in healing. It really does help to get these feelings out of my system and hopefully out of my soul.