Patriotism is Voting

Yesterday I faxed the registrar of voters here in California to do a change of address so I can vote close to my home here in the elections coming up on November 7th. Last election my information was still saying I lived at my previous address so I had to vote after work near my previous residence.

I would like to take the opportunity to remind my readers that people died and suffered horribly so that we, minorities (and by this I mean all people aside from white males) could have the privilege of having our voice heard by our government. Do not squander this important legacy with apathy and the attitude that “things won’t change”. Please, please, please go and vote. Even if you only are interested in big ticket elections like governor or secretary of state, fill out your ballot for those and don’t do the state measures. Or if you are really interested in educating yourself and voting your mind, get out there on the internet and look at a non-partisan website devoted to explaining the state and city elections in your area. I like the League of Women Voters site (not just for women by the way), their Vote 411 site is a non-partisan look at the elections state by state. You can even find out where your voting site is on Vote 411, so no excuses.

I’d like to challenge my readers to take a friend or loved one with them to vote. You exemplify your love of America and the freedoms of this country by voting, you honor yourself and those who came before you while making a better place for those who will come after you. I sincerely hope that people who read this will take to heart the importance of expressing their beliefs through voting. Let me be very clear, I could care less who you vote for, I am not trying to grandstand to further my political agenda (I’ll save that for other posts), but I will stress how very vital and integral voting is to the people of the United States of America. Unequivocally, everyone of voting age should take advantage of expressing their views on where this country should go through the election process.

Personal Hero: Walter Cronkite and his support of the DPA

When I was a girl I was fond of sitting on the couch watching drug deals and people doing cocaine on Miami Vice, the series that epitomized 80s excess. I would sing, “Users are losers, and losers are users, so don’t use drugs, don’t use drugs”. The DARE(Drug Abuse Resistance Education) program educated me on avoiding people partaking illicit drugs and how to recognize the sites and smells associated with illegal substances. In my young mind, marijuana, cocaine, and heroin were the dirtiest, most foul depths a person could sink to. My perspective was black and white at the time and drugs were completely evil.

As I got older, I learned that many pharmaceuticals utilized the very drugs that on the street were considered anathema, so what was the difference? A prescription and name change could turn a heroine derivative into an acceptable, much needed pain reliever? I was beginning to learn that there were a lot of gray areas and that some illegal drugs had benefits to the medical establishment.

Because of their illegal nature, I was reticent to put my name on petitions for the government to legalize some illicit drugs for medical use (particularly marijuana since that is the one that appears to benefit glaucoma, cancer, and MS patients the most). Here’s where Walter “The Most Trusted Man in America” Cronkite comes in. He wrote what I would consider a fund raising letter on behalf of the Drug Policy Alliance. I was absolutely astonished by his whole-hearted condemnation of the War on Drugs. To have such a respected former journalist supporting an organization in such contradiction of the government’s policies was, in my mind, incredible.

He bravely observes that the War on Drugs is a failure, “Hundreds of billions of dollars have been spent on this effort-with no one held accountable for its failure”.

He tells us about those people unjustly hurt by this so-called war, people imprisoned for ludicrous terms when their mistakes were being in the wrong place at the wrong time. People who were poor and desperate who made the wrong decisions, but are now paying the price in prisons that are already overcrowded with addicts who need treatment not imprisonment.

The hypocrisy our government perpetrates on a daily basis to continue to deny the American people reasonable medical relief. Walter says, “The federal government has fought terminally ill patients whose doctors say medical marijuana could provide a modicum of relief from their suffering…as though a cancer patient who uses marijuana to relieve the wrenching nausea caused by chemotherapy is somehow a criminal who threatens the public”. When will we stop wasting time and money on condemnation instead of recognizing that some substances have legitimate and studied medical benefits?

Please support the Drug Policy Alliance, they are an active leader in “fighting for desperately needed on-the-ground reforms”. We need policies based on medical facts and humane treatment of those with addictions not arbitrary mandatory sentences for people. Thank you Mr. Cronkite for opening my eyes to this waste of money and resources. Thank you for advocating for those who’s voices are not being heard, the sick, the imprisoned, and I will gladly add my voice to yours.

Graduation

Yesterday I attended a very important event, the graduation ceremony of Jedi’s Crossing the Digital Divide class. Jedi taught the class as a volunteer and was so proud of his students. The entire class is made up of recovering drug addicts who are committed to learning how to use computers to improve their life situations. The range in age is broad and the backgrounds diverse, but everyone was so proud and excited at their accomplishments they came together in this environment of hope to briefly enjoy their step to a better future. What most impressed me were the student speakers who shared their stories of struggle and battles with addiction. All of them had the courage to announce to the world that they were still works in progress and that each accomplishment was huge in light of their past. The beauty of seeing people learning to trust themselves again was evident throughout the evening.

Another aspect of the Graduation and the class itself was how thirsty the students were for knowledge and how thankful they were to their teachers. Everyone had kind words for the people who helped them along the way. My heart was full hearing people praise Jedi’s patience and helpfulness. Now I might be biased, but I know for a fact that my boyfriend is a brilliant teacher. He has patience that would put a saint to shame, he teaches in his professional life and was proud that his students from Cri-help and House of Uhuru who attended the Crossing the Digital Divide class were more willing to learn then some of his clients. What a beautiful experience to be a part of. How good it feels to see people work towards and achieve their goals.

To read some graduating student’s stories, please look here.

Empty Places Inside

A malaise of sadness has been sneaking up behind me and overwhelming my emotions at rather inconvenient times this week.

I try and stuff the bleakness down into my gut with a myriad of delicious food stuffs that seem to sink into the bottomless pit of emptiness that is inside me. No reason or rationalization in my life for this horrible ache that accompanies the tears and irritated outbursts, but I was so hopeful these feelings were a thing of the past that I forgot to keep journaling to get them out or taking the time for a peaceful bath and cathartic weeping session to balance all the good feelings I was just starting to get.

I put a great deal of internal pressure on myself to be a kind, generous, loving, and supportive friend, a rational, passionate, and fair partner to my boyfriend, and a conscientious, hard-working, team player at work. These stresses sometimes have the complete opposite effect, I end up angry at myself for overcommitting when I am already feeling that I do not have the time to myself that I want or need. Putting myself aside, my exhaustion, my anger, my disappointments so I won’t cause other’s to be without. How arrogant of me, so self-important that I don’t believe my friends can carry on without me, that my partner is incapable of entertaining himself for an evening while I contemplate my belly button or simply meditate with no time limit and no interruptions. The skills I learned while in self defense class for setting limits and gauging my expectations of myself have been moldering in a corner while I work myself into a frenzy of perfection. Sad indeed.

My body pays the price with literal tears of frustration and loss. I have lost myself within the immense machine that I have allowed to become my life. My schedule runs roughshod over me until I am unable to enjoy myself. I dread each new event, because it is a commitment of time I need to rebuild my inner world. My core of peace and balance has deserted me. Is this a pity-party?

In some ways yes, it most certainly is, but my prayers are that it is a wake-up call to stop seeling myself short. To recognize that is does no one any good if I am so depleted that I cannot be happy for them or for myself. Enjoyment is hard to feel through the fog of embarrasment I feel over admitting this shortcoming. The inability to haul myself up by my bootstraps and “take it like a man”. I have forever been jealous of friends (mostly men) who are capable of compartmentalizing their feelings while I feel overtaken, highjacked if you will by my negativities. Perhaps I will find a way to take back my life, to have authentic smiles and concerns for other’s instead of this indulgent sadness. Maybe even today.

There are no "A"s in Life

My parents raised me to believe I was a special one of a kind person with skills and talents unlike any person before me.

What a shock is was to me when after many auditions for plays and musicals I found that not only was I not especially good at acting, singing, and dancing, but I was not very good at hiding my disappointment and self-hatred at what I considered to be failure. I was often angry at the world for having tons of potential, but nothing to use it on.

Briefly, I had a respite from my inner struggle and disillusionment. While I was not leading lady material, at least not to my choir teachers, my dance teachers, or my drama teacher I found my place behind the scenes.

For ten years I immersed myself in all aspects of audio, from live sound reinforcement, to studio recordings, to dialog editing in Hollywood my passion and focus was sound. When I graduated from college a year into what some would call my “dream” career I suffered a horrible set-back when I realized that not only was there not enough work for someone editing as slowly and meticulously as I did, but there was also the reality that editing is a lonely and isolating job, not good for someone who suffers overwhelming depression.

So, after 9 years of having mildly technical jobs that neither take advantage of my knowledge nor my personality I am trying to find fulfillment elsewhere. I am coming to the belated conclusion that my place to shine may not ever be in the career field. That I might not make loads of cash or ever have people hanging on my every word like “The Donald”, I might just be a regular girl with very regular hopes and dreams. Being normal is becoming my goal, success can be measured in friends and days spent in happiness instead of anger or sadness. I am trying to look at and embrace the things I have instead of wallowing in “could-haves”, regrets, and “what ifs”. It’s healthier for me to stop using my energy and life force wondering why the world no longer revolves around me like it did when I was a child. I guess it’s called growing up and gaining perspective.

3 Babies and an Engagement

Lots to be celebrated today! Congratulations to one and all!

Moolah, Dead Presidents, Green, Benjamins, Cashola....

Money is such a dirty word in America. It's worse then talking about sex using four letter words or even discussing your political predilections in mixed company (elephants and donkeys of course). I'm not sure how or when money became such a volatile topic for me. From the making to the spending, to the saving, to the lending, to the borrowing, money-talk has always seemed taboo. Let's excavate this topic for a moment and think back to the very first time I realized that commerce and the exchange of cash being present in everyday life. WeÂ’ll go back to a time over two decades ago when it was first explained to me that the wonderful gift I received, food I ate, car I rode around in, and even the clothes on my back were bought by my parents, cash, check, or credit?

As a little girl this meant fewer barbie dolls then my best friend, as a tween it meant no designer jeans (unless they could be found on sale at TJ Maxx) or knockoff brands from K-Mart. Things weren't tight, but my parents believed in being thrifty to a certain extent so that I was at the very least aware of the sacrifices that were made so our family could live comfortably.

Moving into adulthood I remeber vague conversations about the evil of credit and how it could ruin your entire life and bring eternal embarassment to your friends and family. Therefore I opted for a secured credit card (one that has a cash account to back up any purchases made) with a $500 limit. I managed it fairly well and had my first real credit card the year I graduated college. Boy, am I glad I waited.

Credit is such an odd thing. On one hand, you need to carry some debt (be it a car loan or student loan) to ensure that you have credit. On the other hand, you cannot be too over extended or you're considered a risk. It's complicated, as are stocks, bonds, 401Ks, loans, APR, and interest rates. Also, it is not something people bring up with family or friends regularly enough to feel comfortable.

Money has taken on an emphemeral quality in this age of debit cards, electronic checks, and online payment options. We never handle our money, feel it's soft papery fabric, handle the change as we pay, it is there, but rarely seen or used. I actually do not like carrying money since it is so easy to make purchases with my checkbook or cards. Laziness, I know, but also so simple to just spend ruthlessly without forethought for my purchases or recognition of the consequences to my already tight budget. How irresponsible of me. How do you feel about your money?

Classes Every High School Should Teach

In my opinion there were not a whole lot of practical classes at my High School while I was there. Granted I was in a well respected public school with many intelligent students and inspiring teachers, but between my torturous math classes and my fun drama classes, there was a bunch of real world topic left entirely untouched. Today we are going to explore those skills I feel should have been included in my education.

1. Finance 101: From opening a checking account and savings account to balancing your checkbook and what overdraft means, I think the U.S. is sorely lacking where money is concerned.

2. Credit Cards and the meaning of APR: I did not get my first credit card until I graduated college and I have to admit it probably would have benefitted me well if I never decided to sign on the dotted line. Part of me thinks that credit cards are just evil. They increase your purchasing power and you end up spending more money on the interst rate on an item you really couldn't afford in the first place.

3. How to pay bills on time. Learning to pay attention to the bills piling up around you instead of having an out-of-sight-out-of-mind attitude. How do you think all those credit card APRs increased? Late payments my friends.

4. Why you need a job with benefits. Not only would this class teach all of the various aspects of health coverage, dental, vision, and 401Ks, but it would teach you how to navigate the complicated maze of representatives to get the answers you need. Basically it would be how to deal with customer service reps without screaming profanities.

5. Trouble shooting the squeaks, squels, and grinds your car makes with the added skill of learning how to change a tire right next to a busy freeway entrance.

6. How to write a resume and preparing for a job interview. This class would prepare students for their first jobs, from how to search the internet and want adds for jobs to how to create a resume. They would learn what to wear and how to act on a job interview as well.

So, there it is. Are there any classes you wish you'd had in school?

Depression: The past several months

Relationships are no protection against depression, they do not cure the crushing despair and bleak hopelessness that besiege the seriously depressed. I used to think if I had the right friends, the best family, and the most wonderful boyfriend that I wouldn't feel this way, that I would be insulated from the terrible thoughts, utter aloneness, and cyclicle desperation that assault me in the grip of despair. Sometimes I think I'm actually getting a handle on it, feeling better, seeing the proverbial silver lining to the clouds. In fact there will be whole afternoons of light and laughter that crowd out the darkness, but I can wake up the next day to that voice in my head saying. "I told you so, I told you not to hope, not to wish for anything better".

Thankfully we, as a modern society, both have the tools to treat depression and the maturity to accept the elusiveness of the disease. I have been feeling better the past two weeks and expect the ascent to continue. It’s ironic to me that I can have a day where I am able to cook, clean, and even read without being too tired for these activities or getting caught up in repetitious negative thoughts and to me that is being hyper when to most people it is normality. I just reread the last sentence, and I have no idea if it makes sense to anyone other then me. Anyhow, if you have not experienced the crippling nature of depression, please be mindful when speaking to us who have. This is a serious illness and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Thank you to family and friends who have continued to reach out to me. Depression is so selfish that I am not always able to respond appropriately to those I hold dear.

Lego my Boyfriend!

I am Lego widow. Jedi has been playing Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy for 20+ hours now and he stares at the screen with such ferocious intensity that I’m beginning to wonder if he’s brainwashed. Seriously, yesterday he was playing and I was beginning to get jealous of how consumed he was by the game. Now this is not your ordinary video game or one of the hideous life warping online multi-player games, it is a fun, interactive videogame that uses several recognizable gaming platforms to both entertain and challenge the user. I, as well as the geeks at Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim suggest you check it out. Oh, and take your significant other on a date so she/he won’t feel left out…you could even go to Legoland!