Many times when I pray on my way in to work I think of the people who are no longer with me and whether they are looking are down on me from Heaven. A lot of this has to do with my belief that they are with G-d and that when speaking to G-d maybe they can hear me too.
There are particular moments in my life that are frozen in my memory and attached to the people that are no longer with me. Often one of my five senses will be activated and I will powerfully be transported to the time, place, and person that I am missing from the past. As I grow older this seems to occur more and more since I suppose the number of people who have died continues to expand. It is unexpectedly bittersweet to me when this happens and these invading thoughts more often then not are cause for wonder and happiness. They envelope in love from the past and although pain of death feels sharp and keen once again, so does the rememberance feel real and the person who I miss is tangible as if I could just pick up a phone and call them. To me it is the newly minted pain is worth the renewed spiritual comfort, if only for that brief interlude.
I have no living Grandparents, but was fortunate to know both my Father and Mother's parents fairly well prior to their deaths. They were complex people, each couple dissimilar and I had trouble when I was young seeing the similar moral backgrounds that my parents came from. My Nana and Papa were born in America and I remember thinking how beautiful my Nana was with her perfectly polished nails, tightly curled hair, and long flowing housedress. They both wore big jewelry that sparkled and made me think they were the richest people in the world. It was partly that and that they had a pool in their backyard. If that didn't signify wealth, I don't know what would have to a little kid.
At some point both my Nana and my Papa owned their own business. It is therefore very fitting that my Mother has her own business as well. That sort of indepence runs in her family. My Nana owned a dress shop, perhaps 2, althought that could certainly have become confused in my mind somehow. My Papa had a paper recycling business, the first one on the East Coast. He drove a Mack Truck with a bulldog on the hood. My Mom still has that bulldog and he's one of the icons of my childhood along with the owls my Nana collected. I like owls, just like she did, I'm not sure if it's because of their wisdom, their rarity, or just something I adopted subconsciously to be close to her.
It was a treat having Nana paint my nails, and I still like having people I know do it today. It makes me feel cherished in some intangible way, like someone cares about the details. The best compliment that I received growing up was hearing my Mom tell me that I had her "Mother's hands".
To be continued
3 comments:
That was really beautiful. I hope you know how blessed you were to know your grandparents. All of mine were dead by the time I turned four years old. I felt cheated for a long time, watching my pals with their grandparents. But then a good friend's grandmother "adopted" me, so I had the love of my foster grandmother and that eased some of the pain. I smile as I watch my parents with my nephew and am grateful that he is getting the chance to have the love of his grandparents.
ester, you are sweet to comment. my nana and papa, and grandma and grandpa were indeed the most amazing people. it's good that you have someone to fill that spot in your life as well. elders who are kind and knowledgeable are vital people who connect us to all of humankind. Mazel Tov.
You're right about that. Thank you. :)
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