In Between Times

I have no home, not in the true sense you see, but I seem to exist between houses, more often then not in my car or my head or someplace that I deem "in between". My apartment doesn't really feel like home since I am not really ever there other then to exchange clothes, feed my pets, watch a quick movie, or take a shower. The majority of my time is spent at other people's houses, in beds that aren't mine. It might be a hotel room, a friend's place, my boyfriend's, a couch, an air mattress, or even a floor. This has been fairly perpetual for almost a year. It's persisting in making me feel that I ought to be traveling on holiday or walkabout or something more exciting then my usual day-to-day existence.

Admittedly, depression descends when I enter what used to be my daily apartment since it has become such a shell of it's old self. My fault, as I have let it decay and turn into a neglected feline domecil cluttered with clothing and scraps of hastily eaten food, cans of diet pop and dying plants nestled on the surfaces of tables and bookshelves. My distanciation happened by degrees and I am resentful to begin the journey back, yet know that it must begin if I am ever to get over my anger at myself for how far removed I have become from myself. Because by and large the apartment is me in so many ways.

Living out of a car, an urban nomad who has created a trunk full of dispossessions that have never been mined for their worth. It is my mission this week to excavate their wealth from my car and see what memories they hold for me. If indeed, they have any value after their year of hiding in the trunk through cold and heat. Who knows what mysteries I might unveil. I feel like Geraldo at the vault of Al Capone.

The depression has been coming for several days and much as I try to minimize it, I realize the truth of it in my life and am grateful for the perspective that I have that give me the ability to say, "And this too shall pass". Don't get too anxious, don't feed into it, just roll with the punches and everything will be alright.