Book Review: On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (Audio Book)

I picked up this book because of unresolved emotions I have concerning the deaths of several close loved ones. I was hoping it would alleviate some of the guilt and regret I feel over either not seeing them shortly before their deaths or not attending their funeral. Rationally, I know that there is nothing I can do to change my actions of the past. Sometimes I could not get away from work to see the dying person, or I felt I did not have the funds to travel to their funeral (this is untrue, since I know my parents would have helped me pay for any travel expenses, but alas, I did use this excuse I realize now to protect my own fragile self from the prospect of facing the frightening specter of my own mortality).

Kubler-Ross’s book focuses on the essential dialog between medical staff, terminal patients, and their family to make the process of dying a more acceptable and natural part of patient care. The ability to be open and honest about death allows the person dying to discuss their family’s future without them, get their finances and possessions in order and to also express their end of life care wishes, needs, and wants. Part of end of life care is whether to obtain a Do Not Resuscitate order (DNR). Two years ago when my last remaining grandparent, my paternal Grandmother, passed away, I assisted my brother, father, aunt, and uncle in cleaning out her small apartment at an assisted living facility, the DNR order was still posted on the wall in her room. It was a concrete reminder of my Grandmother’s participation in the choices faced by people who are on the road to dying. While it was shocking to see the DNR (I would’ve expected that it would be removed along with the various items related to my Grandmother’s passing, I was strangely comforted to see it so out in the open where no one could deny it or mistake it for anything but what it was.

If you are in the medical profession and have not read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s On Death and Dying, I urge you to do so. The human component in healthcare can often be overlooked in the rush to “cure” the patient or to merely prolong life. The objective of the book is to excavate a patient’s needs and concerns regarding their deaths and to assist communicating those to family members and medical staff. This is a truly beautiful book and can be a good introduction for those faced with the numerous emotions brought up when a loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness. I was comforted by Kubler-Ross’s many descriptions of people who were angry with their loved ones for dying; knowing now that my longstanding rage over a high school friend’s suicide was not only understandable, but also normal.

For years I have held onto the unreasonable and irrational guilt and shame over not being with an ex-boyfriend when his father died after a very short and intense battle against pancreatic cancer. The times we spent in the hospital were filled with a humanity and love that I cherished even when my relationship with the man’s son was crumbling. Mostly, I think what this book has helped me to do is honor and remember the people who have died that touched my life through their love, friendship, and generosity of spirit. Missing them no longer feels like a gaping hole inside. It is with peace and love that I can imagine my loved ones who have died and with a full heart I can celebrate their lives and not continue grieving their deaths.