Patriotism is Voting

Yesterday I faxed the registrar of voters here in California to do a change of address so I can vote close to my home here in the elections coming up on November 7th. Last election my information was still saying I lived at my previous address so I had to vote after work near my previous residence.

I would like to take the opportunity to remind my readers that people died and suffered horribly so that we, minorities (and by this I mean all people aside from white males) could have the privilege of having our voice heard by our government. Do not squander this important legacy with apathy and the attitude that “things won’t change”. Please, please, please go and vote. Even if you only are interested in big ticket elections like governor or secretary of state, fill out your ballot for those and don’t do the state measures. Or if you are really interested in educating yourself and voting your mind, get out there on the internet and look at a non-partisan website devoted to explaining the state and city elections in your area. I like the League of Women Voters site (not just for women by the way), their Vote 411 site is a non-partisan look at the elections state by state. You can even find out where your voting site is on Vote 411, so no excuses.

I’d like to challenge my readers to take a friend or loved one with them to vote. You exemplify your love of America and the freedoms of this country by voting, you honor yourself and those who came before you while making a better place for those who will come after you. I sincerely hope that people who read this will take to heart the importance of expressing their beliefs through voting. Let me be very clear, I could care less who you vote for, I am not trying to grandstand to further my political agenda (I’ll save that for other posts), but I will stress how very vital and integral voting is to the people of the United States of America. Unequivocally, everyone of voting age should take advantage of expressing their views on where this country should go through the election process.

Personal Hero: Walter Cronkite and his support of the DPA

When I was a girl I was fond of sitting on the couch watching drug deals and people doing cocaine on Miami Vice, the series that epitomized 80s excess. I would sing, “Users are losers, and losers are users, so don’t use drugs, don’t use drugs”. The DARE(Drug Abuse Resistance Education) program educated me on avoiding people partaking illicit drugs and how to recognize the sites and smells associated with illegal substances. In my young mind, marijuana, cocaine, and heroin were the dirtiest, most foul depths a person could sink to. My perspective was black and white at the time and drugs were completely evil.

As I got older, I learned that many pharmaceuticals utilized the very drugs that on the street were considered anathema, so what was the difference? A prescription and name change could turn a heroine derivative into an acceptable, much needed pain reliever? I was beginning to learn that there were a lot of gray areas and that some illegal drugs had benefits to the medical establishment.

Because of their illegal nature, I was reticent to put my name on petitions for the government to legalize some illicit drugs for medical use (particularly marijuana since that is the one that appears to benefit glaucoma, cancer, and MS patients the most). Here’s where Walter “The Most Trusted Man in America” Cronkite comes in. He wrote what I would consider a fund raising letter on behalf of the Drug Policy Alliance. I was absolutely astonished by his whole-hearted condemnation of the War on Drugs. To have such a respected former journalist supporting an organization in such contradiction of the government’s policies was, in my mind, incredible.

He bravely observes that the War on Drugs is a failure, “Hundreds of billions of dollars have been spent on this effort-with no one held accountable for its failure”.

He tells us about those people unjustly hurt by this so-called war, people imprisoned for ludicrous terms when their mistakes were being in the wrong place at the wrong time. People who were poor and desperate who made the wrong decisions, but are now paying the price in prisons that are already overcrowded with addicts who need treatment not imprisonment.

The hypocrisy our government perpetrates on a daily basis to continue to deny the American people reasonable medical relief. Walter says, “The federal government has fought terminally ill patients whose doctors say medical marijuana could provide a modicum of relief from their suffering…as though a cancer patient who uses marijuana to relieve the wrenching nausea caused by chemotherapy is somehow a criminal who threatens the public”. When will we stop wasting time and money on condemnation instead of recognizing that some substances have legitimate and studied medical benefits?

Please support the Drug Policy Alliance, they are an active leader in “fighting for desperately needed on-the-ground reforms”. We need policies based on medical facts and humane treatment of those with addictions not arbitrary mandatory sentences for people. Thank you Mr. Cronkite for opening my eyes to this waste of money and resources. Thank you for advocating for those who’s voices are not being heard, the sick, the imprisoned, and I will gladly add my voice to yours.

Graduation

Yesterday I attended a very important event, the graduation ceremony of Jedi’s Crossing the Digital Divide class. Jedi taught the class as a volunteer and was so proud of his students. The entire class is made up of recovering drug addicts who are committed to learning how to use computers to improve their life situations. The range in age is broad and the backgrounds diverse, but everyone was so proud and excited at their accomplishments they came together in this environment of hope to briefly enjoy their step to a better future. What most impressed me were the student speakers who shared their stories of struggle and battles with addiction. All of them had the courage to announce to the world that they were still works in progress and that each accomplishment was huge in light of their past. The beauty of seeing people learning to trust themselves again was evident throughout the evening.

Another aspect of the Graduation and the class itself was how thirsty the students were for knowledge and how thankful they were to their teachers. Everyone had kind words for the people who helped them along the way. My heart was full hearing people praise Jedi’s patience and helpfulness. Now I might be biased, but I know for a fact that my boyfriend is a brilliant teacher. He has patience that would put a saint to shame, he teaches in his professional life and was proud that his students from Cri-help and House of Uhuru who attended the Crossing the Digital Divide class were more willing to learn then some of his clients. What a beautiful experience to be a part of. How good it feels to see people work towards and achieve their goals.

To read some graduating student’s stories, please look here.

Empty Places Inside

A malaise of sadness has been sneaking up behind me and overwhelming my emotions at rather inconvenient times this week.

I try and stuff the bleakness down into my gut with a myriad of delicious food stuffs that seem to sink into the bottomless pit of emptiness that is inside me. No reason or rationalization in my life for this horrible ache that accompanies the tears and irritated outbursts, but I was so hopeful these feelings were a thing of the past that I forgot to keep journaling to get them out or taking the time for a peaceful bath and cathartic weeping session to balance all the good feelings I was just starting to get.

I put a great deal of internal pressure on myself to be a kind, generous, loving, and supportive friend, a rational, passionate, and fair partner to my boyfriend, and a conscientious, hard-working, team player at work. These stresses sometimes have the complete opposite effect, I end up angry at myself for overcommitting when I am already feeling that I do not have the time to myself that I want or need. Putting myself aside, my exhaustion, my anger, my disappointments so I won’t cause other’s to be without. How arrogant of me, so self-important that I don’t believe my friends can carry on without me, that my partner is incapable of entertaining himself for an evening while I contemplate my belly button or simply meditate with no time limit and no interruptions. The skills I learned while in self defense class for setting limits and gauging my expectations of myself have been moldering in a corner while I work myself into a frenzy of perfection. Sad indeed.

My body pays the price with literal tears of frustration and loss. I have lost myself within the immense machine that I have allowed to become my life. My schedule runs roughshod over me until I am unable to enjoy myself. I dread each new event, because it is a commitment of time I need to rebuild my inner world. My core of peace and balance has deserted me. Is this a pity-party?

In some ways yes, it most certainly is, but my prayers are that it is a wake-up call to stop seeling myself short. To recognize that is does no one any good if I am so depleted that I cannot be happy for them or for myself. Enjoyment is hard to feel through the fog of embarrasment I feel over admitting this shortcoming. The inability to haul myself up by my bootstraps and “take it like a man”. I have forever been jealous of friends (mostly men) who are capable of compartmentalizing their feelings while I feel overtaken, highjacked if you will by my negativities. Perhaps I will find a way to take back my life, to have authentic smiles and concerns for other’s instead of this indulgent sadness. Maybe even today.

There are no "A"s in Life

My parents raised me to believe I was a special one of a kind person with skills and talents unlike any person before me.

What a shock is was to me when after many auditions for plays and musicals I found that not only was I not especially good at acting, singing, and dancing, but I was not very good at hiding my disappointment and self-hatred at what I considered to be failure. I was often angry at the world for having tons of potential, but nothing to use it on.

Briefly, I had a respite from my inner struggle and disillusionment. While I was not leading lady material, at least not to my choir teachers, my dance teachers, or my drama teacher I found my place behind the scenes.

For ten years I immersed myself in all aspects of audio, from live sound reinforcement, to studio recordings, to dialog editing in Hollywood my passion and focus was sound. When I graduated from college a year into what some would call my “dream” career I suffered a horrible set-back when I realized that not only was there not enough work for someone editing as slowly and meticulously as I did, but there was also the reality that editing is a lonely and isolating job, not good for someone who suffers overwhelming depression.

So, after 9 years of having mildly technical jobs that neither take advantage of my knowledge nor my personality I am trying to find fulfillment elsewhere. I am coming to the belated conclusion that my place to shine may not ever be in the career field. That I might not make loads of cash or ever have people hanging on my every word like “The Donald”, I might just be a regular girl with very regular hopes and dreams. Being normal is becoming my goal, success can be measured in friends and days spent in happiness instead of anger or sadness. I am trying to look at and embrace the things I have instead of wallowing in “could-haves”, regrets, and “what ifs”. It’s healthier for me to stop using my energy and life force wondering why the world no longer revolves around me like it did when I was a child. I guess it’s called growing up and gaining perspective.

3 Babies and an Engagement

Lots to be celebrated today! Congratulations to one and all!

Moolah, Dead Presidents, Green, Benjamins, Cashola....

Money is such a dirty word in America. It's worse then talking about sex using four letter words or even discussing your political predilections in mixed company (elephants and donkeys of course). I'm not sure how or when money became such a volatile topic for me. From the making to the spending, to the saving, to the lending, to the borrowing, money-talk has always seemed taboo. Let's excavate this topic for a moment and think back to the very first time I realized that commerce and the exchange of cash being present in everyday life. WeÂ’ll go back to a time over two decades ago when it was first explained to me that the wonderful gift I received, food I ate, car I rode around in, and even the clothes on my back were bought by my parents, cash, check, or credit?

As a little girl this meant fewer barbie dolls then my best friend, as a tween it meant no designer jeans (unless they could be found on sale at TJ Maxx) or knockoff brands from K-Mart. Things weren't tight, but my parents believed in being thrifty to a certain extent so that I was at the very least aware of the sacrifices that were made so our family could live comfortably.

Moving into adulthood I remeber vague conversations about the evil of credit and how it could ruin your entire life and bring eternal embarassment to your friends and family. Therefore I opted for a secured credit card (one that has a cash account to back up any purchases made) with a $500 limit. I managed it fairly well and had my first real credit card the year I graduated college. Boy, am I glad I waited.

Credit is such an odd thing. On one hand, you need to carry some debt (be it a car loan or student loan) to ensure that you have credit. On the other hand, you cannot be too over extended or you're considered a risk. It's complicated, as are stocks, bonds, 401Ks, loans, APR, and interest rates. Also, it is not something people bring up with family or friends regularly enough to feel comfortable.

Money has taken on an emphemeral quality in this age of debit cards, electronic checks, and online payment options. We never handle our money, feel it's soft papery fabric, handle the change as we pay, it is there, but rarely seen or used. I actually do not like carrying money since it is so easy to make purchases with my checkbook or cards. Laziness, I know, but also so simple to just spend ruthlessly without forethought for my purchases or recognition of the consequences to my already tight budget. How irresponsible of me. How do you feel about your money?

Classes Every High School Should Teach

In my opinion there were not a whole lot of practical classes at my High School while I was there. Granted I was in a well respected public school with many intelligent students and inspiring teachers, but between my torturous math classes and my fun drama classes, there was a bunch of real world topic left entirely untouched. Today we are going to explore those skills I feel should have been included in my education.

1. Finance 101: From opening a checking account and savings account to balancing your checkbook and what overdraft means, I think the U.S. is sorely lacking where money is concerned.

2. Credit Cards and the meaning of APR: I did not get my first credit card until I graduated college and I have to admit it probably would have benefitted me well if I never decided to sign on the dotted line. Part of me thinks that credit cards are just evil. They increase your purchasing power and you end up spending more money on the interst rate on an item you really couldn't afford in the first place.

3. How to pay bills on time. Learning to pay attention to the bills piling up around you instead of having an out-of-sight-out-of-mind attitude. How do you think all those credit card APRs increased? Late payments my friends.

4. Why you need a job with benefits. Not only would this class teach all of the various aspects of health coverage, dental, vision, and 401Ks, but it would teach you how to navigate the complicated maze of representatives to get the answers you need. Basically it would be how to deal with customer service reps without screaming profanities.

5. Trouble shooting the squeaks, squels, and grinds your car makes with the added skill of learning how to change a tire right next to a busy freeway entrance.

6. How to write a resume and preparing for a job interview. This class would prepare students for their first jobs, from how to search the internet and want adds for jobs to how to create a resume. They would learn what to wear and how to act on a job interview as well.

So, there it is. Are there any classes you wish you'd had in school?

Depression: The past several months

Relationships are no protection against depression, they do not cure the crushing despair and bleak hopelessness that besiege the seriously depressed. I used to think if I had the right friends, the best family, and the most wonderful boyfriend that I wouldn't feel this way, that I would be insulated from the terrible thoughts, utter aloneness, and cyclicle desperation that assault me in the grip of despair. Sometimes I think I'm actually getting a handle on it, feeling better, seeing the proverbial silver lining to the clouds. In fact there will be whole afternoons of light and laughter that crowd out the darkness, but I can wake up the next day to that voice in my head saying. "I told you so, I told you not to hope, not to wish for anything better".

Thankfully we, as a modern society, both have the tools to treat depression and the maturity to accept the elusiveness of the disease. I have been feeling better the past two weeks and expect the ascent to continue. It’s ironic to me that I can have a day where I am able to cook, clean, and even read without being too tired for these activities or getting caught up in repetitious negative thoughts and to me that is being hyper when to most people it is normality. I just reread the last sentence, and I have no idea if it makes sense to anyone other then me. Anyhow, if you have not experienced the crippling nature of depression, please be mindful when speaking to us who have. This is a serious illness and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Thank you to family and friends who have continued to reach out to me. Depression is so selfish that I am not always able to respond appropriately to those I hold dear.

Lego my Boyfriend!

I am Lego widow. Jedi has been playing Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy for 20+ hours now and he stares at the screen with such ferocious intensity that I’m beginning to wonder if he’s brainwashed. Seriously, yesterday he was playing and I was beginning to get jealous of how consumed he was by the game. Now this is not your ordinary video game or one of the hideous life warping online multi-player games, it is a fun, interactive videogame that uses several recognizable gaming platforms to both entertain and challenge the user. I, as well as the geeks at Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim suggest you check it out. Oh, and take your significant other on a date so she/he won’t feel left out…you could even go to Legoland!

If I were a rich man...

Jedi and I recently attended a cross-dressing party.
Here's me as a Jewish Rabbi.

Time for another quiz made up by me:

1. Most beneficial aspect of living with roommates: Someone else is there to empty the dishwasher when you don’t feel like it.

2. Worst thing about living with roommates: They see your dirty laundry (literal and figurative).

3. Most surprising old movie that I enjoyed watching: Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, this movie was truly frightening, what a star turn for aging diva Bette Davis to play the sadomasochistic Baby Jane. I was happily surpriised to find this movie thoroughly horrorifying yet incredibley believable. Campy yet captivating.

4. Most surprising old book that I enjoyed reading: Psycho by Robert Bloch. It is NOTHING like the movie!!! I blasted through this book in two days and was turning the pages so fast to devour this story who’s villian bore very little resembelance to the Norman Bates created by Anthony Perkins. Both the movie and the book are masterpieces, but I wish when Gus Van Zandt made the movie he would have considered being truer to Bloch’s deranged antagonist. The Norman Bates in the book was not only eerie, but so much more interesting psychologically then what was portrayed in the movie.

5. Something that annoys you about yourself: I cannot wear earring for a long period of time because something about having the weight on my ears makes me feel congestion and I usually get a headache too.

6. Ordinary people in your family that you admire: My Great Uncle, who served in the American Army (tank division, I think) during WWII shortly after imigrating to American because things were so bad for Jews in his homeland of Germany. Also, my sister and my cousin because they are both teachers and have incredible patience that I am in awe of.

7. Bad habit from childhood that you’ve carried to adulthood: licking and biting my lips (I apply lipstick/gloss habitually)

8. An aspect of your personality you are proud of: I am most proud of my ability to look at problems from a variety of viewpoints and try to understand where people are coming from. Plus I think I am more solution oriented then seeking to place blame when things go wrong.

9. Something you are surprised you haven’t done yet in your life: Take my scuba diving lessons. I received the gift certificate 2 years ago and still have not carved out enough time in my schedule to take the classes…I am horrible!

10. Something you are surprised you have already done in your life: Still living in Los Angeles, I thought after college I would move back to my hometown, but I’ve now been in the City of Angels for over a decadea and can’t really imagine living anywhere else anytime soon.

11. Favorite old cartoon: I was a HUGE fan of Heathcliff (I can still sing the entire theme song to the cartoon…and yes, I am very proud of it..lol).

12. Favorite boardgame: It used to be LIFE, but has recently changed to Scrabble. Even though I don’t play often, I love boardgames!

13. Secret special way you reward yourself when you have accomplished a goal: Well now, I can’t tell you because then it wouldn’t be a secret!

14. How do you make a difference in the world each day: I recycle cans and bottles at my workplace and give them to people near my home who are collecting recycling. I also try to walk to lunch or bring my lunch to work since my commute requires me to drive for an hour each way.

15. When was the last time you drank TANG: About ten years ago in college I drank TANG everyday, so I guess it’s been awhile.

Be Prepared!

September is National Preparedness Month, in honor of this very important event my company is having an Emergency Preparedness Fair. They will be selling and raffling emergency kits for the home, car, and office and educating people about what essential items need to be kept at each location to ensure the occupant the highest rate of survival should a catastrophe hit. We should all learn a lesson from Katrina we need to be prepared for at least 3-5 days fending for ourselves should anything unforeseen happen (read terrorist attack, natural disaster, act of G-d, etc.). If you want to be a true goodie-goodie, then pack supplies for you, your family, and pets for 2 weeks. This means water, food, medications, pet carriers, change of clothing, and hard soled shoes for everyone, flashlights, and a battery operated radio.

As an individual I am being trained as an Emergency Warden at work. This training consists of renewing my CPR certificate, learning to use an AED, first aid and mass casualty triage, fire safety including learning to use a fire extinguisher, psychological first aid, action plans to use in the event of air crash, flood, fire, hazardous materials spill, blood born pathogens, and earthquakes. A lot of information no doubt, but I’m exciting about learning so much. Knowledge being power and all that, hopefully I will never have to use any of it, but at least the bare bones basics of caring for myself and others will be there if it should ever be necessary (just like my self-defense class…learn it, but hope never to need it).

One of the most important highlights of my first class this week was having an escape plan in the event of a fire. Fire in and of itself is not always the most threatening aspect, the smoke can kill so quickly that to be without an escape route can mean doom. Looks like something I need to bug my roommates about…won’t they be thrilled?

$64 Million Question: What is wrong with Policticians?

Came across this little gem from the Associated Press today:

“President Bush has no qualms about raising campaign cash for Sen. George Allen (news, bio, voting record) despite the Republican's widely assailed quip in which he called a rival campaign worker of Indian descent a "macaca."

In recent days, Allen has faced a barrage of criticism since he used the word to describe Virginia native S.R. Sidarth, a 20-year-old University of Virginia senior who was video taping a campaign event for Allen's Democratic challenger Jim Webb.”

If some of you out there missed Senator Allen’s intelligent remark (meant sarcastically here) then I advise you to take a look here.

Do the American people need divisiveness? Or should I say any more divisiveness as a nation? Politicians loss sight of the people they are supposed to be representing. Whether you are a Republican, Democrat, Independent, or choose not to affiliate yourself due to the shame of our so-called multi-party system shouldn’t the main focus be the welfare of the American people as a whole? Shouldn’t the focus be on education, eliminating hunger and homelessness and finding peaceful solutions to conflict so our children don’t have to make the sacrifices that their fathers, mothers, grandfathers, and uncles have had to make? Yep, I am an idealist.

Why? Even with turmoil continuing in Israel, Iraq, and Darfur do I choose to be positive? I know I can make a difference. I know that together humanity can overcome poor environmental goals, dependence on oil and non-renewable resources, we can bring food to people in need both here and abroad, and put an end to this political stupidity that we have been stuck in for so long. Stop focusing on the bottom line, the almighty dollar, because what we are losing is beyond any price…our dignity, our self-respect, and our humanity.

Please help by signing this.

The education of Megastein

So I bought a designer shirt a couple months ago at Ross for $5.99. The cotton was soft and worn feeling and the front was emblazoned with the brand name, “Von Dutch”. After wearing the shirt several times my roommate, The Brown One noticed it and expressed her shock and surprise that I would wear a “Von Dutch” item. Thinking she was referring to the fact that I rarely espouse name brands that are popular and/or expensive I asked, “Why wouldn’t I?” She revealed that Kenny Howard, the motorcycle mechanic whose heirs had begun the Von Dutch brand was a well known anti-semite.

I looked up Von Dutch on Wikipedia and found the following: “According to an article in the Orange County Weekly "He was quite a racist; didn’t like anybody. He had all the trappings of being a neo-Nazi. He could not tolerate black people," said Robert Williams, whose friendship with Dutch cooled over time, but never ended.” I also read a biography written by a friend of his for 38 years celebrates his artistic talent and non-conformist beliefs. No doubt he was a nice guy, I have friends whose parents are racist and homophobic and they are as nice as anyone you’d meet on the street, but that doesn’t mean I want to support their ignorant philosopies. Thanks for the enlightenment dear roommate.

Book Review: Shark Trouble by Peter Benchley (Audiobook)

I live about a mile from the ocean, well within walking distance. It is something I take for granted, just a fact of my everday life, but Shark Trouble has changed my view of the vast blue that crashes against the coast. Not only has Shark Trouble changed my view on the sea, but it has affected the way I view the animals in it and the impact the oceans of the world have on the Earth and all the life on this teeny blue planet. For this author, the man responsible for birthing Jaws on an already frightened and ignorant public to become such an avid shark conversationalist and advocate of educating the public on the raping of our oceans is dramatic enough to write a book about.

When authors read their own books it creates an unforgettable performance, cohesion between the performer and the work that is not always there in other circumstances. Most memorable of all was hearing Stephen King read Bag of Bones with a perfectly brilliant Maine accent that made me laugh and sent chills up my spine all at once. Because they are the characters they create and because they know the reaction that they would like to elicit from the audience authors who record their books to tape embody the story and that’s what you heard during this audiobook. Benchley’s passion and love of the ocean were not only evident, but articulate. His humor, warmth, and wonder is in every chapter of this compelling, educational, and eminently readable non-fiction book. If I wanted to learn to scuba dive before reading Shark Trouble, I want to do it even more now that I know the otherworldly quality of our ocean’s inhabitants. Benchley tells of first hand accounts of encounters with a variety of shark species, rays, and whales that highlight the utter alienness of the sea. There are plenty of horror stories of real shark encounters contained in the text, but Benchley highlights that these attacks are often the result of natural shark behavior patterns and not the menacing, man-eating shark madness that overtook the media in the summer of 2001.

If you love the ocean, if you cherish it’s many residents and want to learn more then this is a perfect read.

Writing on Request

Less then a year ago I sent out a request to family and friends to send me a piece of writing on whatever topic they choose. My goal was to find out more about my loved ones through their use of the written word. Well, I found out something about my family and friends since then, they seem to regard writing as a chore. Or maybe they are uncomfortable revealing information in a form that can be misinterpreted or limited in the sense that it shows only one of many aspects of themselves.

Or maybe they don’t have an affinity for the written word the way that I do. Several friends sent stories that they had created for other venues which were nice to receive since it gave me new insight into them and let me hear what their personal, stream of consciousness sounds like. One friend, Suki, who I have known since High School shared the following poem she had written shortly before the birth of her first child.

Tiny quarter-sized, doe-eyed flower bud
Floating weightless in a warm garden pond
New ears sense my heart close by, and my
Singing, singing of a seven-week old bond

From the moment I knew you were there
I loved you

Sweet angel blessing, I waited five years for my
Sunflower, iris bulb, maple tree baby, so deep
In my dreams, little wish-on-a-star bebe,
Morning and night, I sing and I weep

From the moment I knew you were there
I loved you

Little blossoming cloud in a bubble in the sky,
One day you'll be born, grow up, move away -
I will guide your sails 'til your own ship you steer
To far away worlds; your own dreams lead the way.

You will find your own twin soul, endless stars love -
You will grow your own peace to which you will belong -
I won't be there to rock you, to kiss you, to sing,
But miracle baby, remember my song

The moment I knew you were there,
I loved you.

It’s true that when it comes to Birthday gifts I usually like homemade better then store bought. For past celebrations I have requested favorite recipes and homemade CDs that reflect the taste of the sender. I guess last year my expectation of people was a bit out of line with reality. Of course looking back on my request I feel like it was more a wish to bring people closer that was poorly expressed. Something to work on for this year.

Personal Hero: Billy Joel

Billy Joel understands my pain. Not one song can cheer me up when I have the blues the way that Billy’s songs can. His appreciation of the human experience is evident in “This is the Time to Remember” and his awareness of the plight of others can be heard in “Allentown”(one of my personal favorites, I love the way the beginning of the song starts with the whistle and strong downbeat). His sense of humor is evident in “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” and his spirituality glows in “River of Dreams”. If possible, in my lifetime I would like to see Billy Joel in concert (he was recently in LA and Blondie and Karaoke Queen saw him and said he was incredible) and maybe experience some of his tremendous energy up close and personal.

“You’re only Human (Second Wind)” could probably be my theme song. The music is whimsical, but the topic serious and there are more time then I can count where I have been at the end of my proverbial rope and something whispers in my ear,
” Sometimes you just want to lay down and die
That emotion can be so strong
But hold on
Till that old second wind comes along”
and I have to smile to myself because I know it’s true. Joel has been through much worse things then I have, he understands that you cannot be at your best 100% of the time and that part of being human is having the hope that things will get better. That just around the corner the clouds will lift, everything won’t be so horrible or so serious, and if you are patient, the bad times will pass. If you are ever feeling bad, having a day where you just can’t seem to accomplish what needs to be done, or having trouble finding your focus, or feeling stable put on this song and you won’t feel quite so alone. Heck put on most any Billy Joel song and just the music will put you in a better frame of mind, never mind the lyrics.

“I Go to Extremes” is a song that could be biographically about me. I'll leave it to you dear reader to seek out the song and figure out why I think it applies to me.

Post Secret

The post secret site interests me so much. There is something so freeing and appealing about writing down your most intimate thoughts and having them broadcast to thousands via the internet. Many people who send in secrets are people I can see aspects of my own secret life in. They share thoughts of loneliness, love, anger, alienation, joy, and most important, at least to me, hope. The people who write these postcards are courageous; they are sending a small part of themselves out into the universe to let others know they are not alone.

The secrets I would share might include the following:

“I accidentally scrapped my bumper yesterday and am too ashamed to tell anyone.”
“I put a candy bar in my pocket while carrying a bunch of other items at the grocery store and accidentally left the store without paying for it. This was 8 years ago and I still feel guilty.”
“Sometimes I don’t let people merge in front of me if they don’t use their blinker. Sometimes I don’t use mine and get angry when people won’t let me in.”
“I have a crush on the Vlasic Pickle spokesman, he’s an animated stork.”
“When I get migraine headaches, I secretly suspect death would be less painful.”
“My first boyfriend left me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. He ended up sleeping with a girl I thought was my good friend. I prayed every night that she would get pregnant and they would have to get married.”
“I am no longer friends with my childhood best friend and I don’t really understand why. It’s still a source of sadness, regret, and strangely, relief.”

What secrets would you send out for the world to see?

A Touch of Melancholia

Since returning from our trip to East Coast I have been suffering a visit from my old friend negativity. I am upset about the state of the world, the fighting in Israel, continued death and destruction in Iraq, stupid anti-semetic drunk actors, and starving and homeless in my own neighborhood. My feelings about myself are also rather bleak. I’m back on Weight Watchers trying to lose the weight that took almost a year to lose the first time…again. My migraines were back last week with a vengeance and an entire day was wasted in sleep (my favorite pastime, yes, but I prefer to choose when).

On the upside I have been dieting and getting some exercise (which is better then the none that I had been doing). I have also been catching up on some books I have been meaning to read for awhile (life is short, books are abundant! I hope they have libraries in heaven). Overall the state of my mind is one of feeling a lingering sadness over my own powerlessness to make the world a better place on a large scale. Realistically, there is a lot I am already doing, but with the recent crisis it doesn’t feel very effective. I am an armchair activist and this is a source of frustration for me because I become absolutely paralyzed when I think about all the things I could and should be doing for future generations.

I have not felt like writing lately because everything that is typed onto my screen strikes me as being so insignificant to the news from Darfur, Israel, and Iraq. So, dear reader, please be patient with me and I will turn this attitude around and get in a better state of mind to entertain and enlighten you.