Bitter, Party of One

Last week I was in Target looking around for some necessity items, cat litter, cat food, dryer sheets, underwear and the like. It was a normal shopping trip until I noticed the aisles upon aisle stocked full of Christmas geegaws.

There were stockings, fake trees, ornaments of all shapes, sizes, and themes, wrapping paper, cards, lights, and various household knicknacks to decorate with. So, getting into the spirit of this early holiday ambush I decided that I should find some Hanukkah items to take home (since all the ones at my local party store looked cheap and garrish screaming "Happy Hanukkah" in canary yellow and basic blue). I was hoping to find some classy silver and blue tinsel, maybe some lights, wrapping paper with the Star of David, and some card with a generic seasonal greeting.

Boy, was I outta luck. At first I inquired gently to one of the red vest wearing teens unloading tinsel from boxes in front of a plastic Santa Claus. "Excuse me, where are your Hanukkah decorations?" She looked up, shrugged her shoulders and said, "They might be downstairs?" and went back to her task. At this point there was only mild annoyance at poor customer service amidst the festive atmosphere.

Since I had more regular shopping to do, I chalked this interaction up to age and inexperience. Next I tried a gentle men passing by pushing a palette of toilet paper. He was little more help and instructed me to try Customer Service. Ah-ha, I thought, this will be perfect, they will point me in the right direction and I'll just throw some stuff in my cart and be on my way.

Sadly, things often do not work out the way you imagine. Customer Service was not very customer friendly and pointed me back upstairs with the comment that, "All holiday materials are upstairs and (I) must've missed something."

Coming off the escalator on the second floor my spirits were low and my anger beginning to boil. I was starting to feel marginalized and unimportant to one of the US's gigantic retailers. Silly I know, but this sums up my feelings for so many years about the December Dilemma. It is unclear to me when my "bah humbug" menatality started. Whether it was fostered doing Christmas themed art projects in Elementary School or if it was feeling disappointed that my parents wouldn't put lights on our house (although we did have an electric menorah in the window).

Whatever the reason, the epiphany I experience in that Target last week was the realization that I did not accept who I was and am. It is a deepseated self-loathing of this difference that I am a Jew in an American Culture that has taken Christmas and turned it into a hugely commercial holiday. Basically, I suffer from feeling left out. Pity party, table for one?

Standing, staring up at the flocked and decorated trees the department manager simply stated, "We don't have any Hanukkah stuff, but you might try Party City." My feelings were depressed and introspective as I checked out with my small pile and trudged to my car. In the safety of my drivers seat a wave of guilt and shame overcame me and I cried for all the children that love Santa. Wow, I thought, I am being selfish and small, what a horrible irony that during this season, a time of year for peace, love, joy, and family should cause me such angst.

Change can be inspired by many circumstances and this was one of them. It is time to work on my attitude, to be more accepting of myself, and enjoy the holidays with my friends and family instead of sitting in judgement on the trappings of those same holidays, be they trees, lights, or snowmen. These elements only have the power that we imbue them with and I am not going to let myself be manipulated by these negative emotions anymore. Happy Holidays to all whatever you may celebrate!