T-Day Weekend Movies

It is the week after Thanksgiving, what that means to most Americans is “leftovers”, what that means to us here at the Pork Loving Jewess blog is “movies”. I actually got off my butt and saw 2 movies this weekend and 1 last weekend, bringing my year total of watching movies at the theater to a whopping 8 films!!! A ton if you compare it to my parents seeing none, but not so many if you compare it to my fellow cinema school graduates who see movies every weekend and can also quote them ad nauseum.

My theater going experiences were nice this weekend, especially since I got to see Borat with my 20 year old nephew and see him laugh uproariously at Sacha Baron Cohen’s bumbling among Americans for 80 minutes. It was leaps and bounds better to watch this tongue-in-cheek over-the-line laughfest then all the hours I've invested in crappy movies made from crappy SNL skits that should have never made it onto the big screen (A Night at the Roxbury, Coneheads, Stuart Saves His Family, and It's Pat I'm talking about you!) .

I admit, I am biased since Sacha Baron Cohen is Jewish, I think I like him more then I would if say, a non-Jew were playing his role of bumbling Kazakhstan reporter. He puts himself in situations that are more then uncomfortable and yet his ability to stay in character makes him rather endearing and lovable, at least to me. Plus the fact that he exposes how much we, America, as a nation has not changed since we were segregated and women were “barefoot and pregnant” and anti-semitism was an everyday occurence instead of just being heard during one of Mel Gibson’s drunken rant. Many of the people featured in the film will look at the parts of themselves on display and not like what they see, will they change? No, actually they ended up suing Baron Cohen…ah, the American way!

Yesterday me and the boyfriend had a fabulous date to see Tenacious D: Pick of Destiny. It was basically pieces of old sketches, new songs, new and old characters, and a whole lot of very funny faces. Since I am a believer in “do what works”, I was pretty happy overall with the film. Jack Black and Kyle Gass who make up the Spinal Tap-like rock group Tenacious D have great chemistry. I am embarrassed to admit that I did not recognize Dave Grohl in the Satan makeup (although in the music video for Tribute I never had a problem…hmmm…old age?). The storyline of the movie isn’t at all complex, but the physical comedy and “inside” jokes are worth their weight in proverbial gold. A must see!

Book Review: Fahrenheit 451

In belated honor of National Book Month in October I read Ray Bradbury’s classic banned novel Fahrenheit 451. My friend over at Bryan’s Book Blog would be horrified to know that this is the first Bradbury I have ever picked up. Of course, I feel rather sheepish since I know that Dandelion Wine is widely acclaimed and have yet to pick up a copy.

Well, let me assure you dear reader, I will be picking up a copy of Dandelion Wine as soon work is over and I can log into my Amazon account. The straightforward lean prose of Fahrenheit 451 serve to underscore the horrors of what their modern society has become, a place as bleak as the environs served up by Phillip K. Dick in Minority Report. The character of Guy struggles with monumental moral dilemmas and in the end runs smack into the futility that minorities suffer at the hands of the majority. His life becomes a waiting game, but finally, he is among like minded individuals who have accepted this way of life in a soceity ruled by fear.

What You Can Do to Help Someone Experiencing Depression

Listen, listen, listen. Althought the depressed person may be reticent to share their feelings at first, if you are patient and continue to try and draw them out it can help alleviate the loneliness and solitude of the illness. Depression isolates people so speaking about it helps them carry the load of guilt, anger, numbness, and sadness. It can also lessen the shame and taboo nature of the disease. Being withdrawn or apathetic is a symptom of the depression that can be very annoying, it does not mean that the person does not love or care about you. Be willing and flexible enough to keep reminding the person experiencing the desolation of depression that you are there to talk when they are ready.

Many people think if you don’t talk about it, it will go away or they believe that the person suffering actually does not want to talk and they leave them alone. Ostensibly because they want to give the person space to deal by themselves, many depressives will tell you that sharing their emotions helps them clarify their thoughts and feelings. Getting them out in the open relieves the tremendous flood of meloncholy. You must try to listen actively and willingly without judgement. Also do not take what the depressed person is saying personally, you must be objective and realize the person is seeing the world through their affliction. You may want to repeat back what your friend, relative, or mate is saying so they know you “get” it.

Offer hope to the person by reminding them of their success over past episodes of the blues. Let them know that what they are feeling is real, but that it will pass and they will be capable of experiencing happiness again. Tell them of their worth in the world maybe share stories of how they have helped others. Note the positive aspects of their life without demeaning the fact that they are unable to focus on those. The person may need encouragement to get out of the house and do the things they once enjoyed.

Take an active roll in helping around the house, many everyday tasks can be overwhelming. Recruit other people to assist you during this time. A good support system can give you the opportunity to vent your frustration and anger at the depression. Remember it is a disease and that the person who has it is not acting like themselves, they are as annoyed, upset and inconvenienced as you are.

You may want to ask them how you can help, each person copes differently so it doesn’t hurt to find out from them what is the correct approach. If they deny all of your attempts at assistance do not give up, continue to offer with the chance that they might need you but are too ashamed to seek you out. Depression can feel like a burden and many people are reticent to rope others into the ugly morose melancoly that is afflicting them. They may have trouble expressing their needs and wants. Keep trying, keeping listening and talking, continue caring, offer unconditional love.

Acupuncture

My first acupuncture treatment for my carpal tunnel was this morning. It was much more boring and mundane then I thought it would be. In fact only four needles were used per arm with two for each wrist and two in the forearm. The first needle hurt the most, well, it didn’t really hurt so much as activate the nerve running up the side of my thumb and make it tingly and aching, mimicking the carpal tunnel in a strange way. Before the doctor applied the needles he applied a Chinese herbal balm to the areas that would be treated. The balm was icy-hot and by the end of the half hour treatment I was so distracted by how cold my limbs were that the needles didn’t faze me a bit. Of course, dear reader, I am not a squeamish person around needles, I have always had a fascination with medicine and am no less interested when it is I that is the patient. Plus the needles were so thin and delicate that they bend at the slightest breeze, it was really neat to see that they had the strength to penetrate my skin, I admit, I doubted they would be able to since they were so dainty (a needle dainty? I know, you’d have to see it to believe it).

I’m going back in on Saturday and have yet to experience relief, but then again, like most things results take time.

The Pitfalls of Being “OK”

I am what my doctor and therapist consider a “high functioning” person. There are many drawbacks to being able to get up in the morning, hold down a job, and have the freedom if not the energy to socialize fairly coherently. The trouble is that people take these actions in combination to conclude that I am rational and doing pretty good. I contribute to the problem by concealing my emotions and putting on a façade of being “OK” to protect the ones I love. I am a master of secrecy, I cry and rage in my car, call friends who are states away to express my woes and otherwise fool myself into believing that I am coping and functioning well.

Being so functional deludes me into complacency. I think because I am capable of taking showers in the morning, feeding the dog, answering e-mails, that things are on the up and up, but truthfully I am just maintaining. I am at the minimum level of my abilities. It is overwhelming to me to face cleaning my desk, setting up a writing schedule that I will adhere to, taking classes that will enrich my life like cooking, writing, knitting, sewing, and self-defense, tending to the dead garden in the backyard, caring for my indoor plants, cleaning up the closet, ordering photos online and putting them in frames and scrapbooks, these things are always on my mind and I condemn myself as a failed human being for putting them off indefinitely. So, there is a price for my continued illusion of stability, it is a tricky balancing act of taking care of myself just enough to appear alright, yet finding other secretive ways to manage the pain and isolation of the illness.

Denial is a wonderfully human trait, many people I know use it as a coping mechanism. Denial, in my mind, causes friends and family to be able to look at me and say, “Wow, she is doing so well” that they cannot imagine the pain, shame, anger, and sadness that I hide from all but the closest confidants. They ascribe my self-awareness as a prophylactic against the more ugly aspects of depression. In truth I am not a trustworthy reporter of my emotional state. Since depression can be burdensome, I want to protect everyone from it and bear the brunt since I am the one who feels defective. The stigma of mental illness in America is not as bad as it once was, but I would hate for someone to chalk any of my moods or behavior up to “being depressed” when they have no clue what it is like to walk in my shoes. It feels dangerous for me to tell people of my “problem”, I often am reticent to disclose this information since I have noticed that sometimes people view you as your symptoms instead of as a human being with a treatable disease.

I want to say that I manage the disease very well and for the most part I do, but sometimes I get so caught up in trying to be a part of everyday life that I forget to take the kind of care of myself that I should. Diet, exercise, and complying with my medication schedule play key rolls in balancing my moods. I get overconfident when I am doing good and can overdue the eating and underdue the exercise to a degree that has devastating effects. No, I am not a drama queen, this is a true disease that can consume lives and cripple individuals robbing them of safety inside their minds. It’s like an alien that takes up residence with no intentions of leaving, one who says nasty things about you and destroys the positives with it’s gloom and doom.

I'm an Aunt again!!!

My brother and sister-in-law had a baby boy this afternoon around 3:30PM. He is 8lbs, 9oz. and healthy and beautiful, I cannot wait to meet him next week.

Childhood Memories

So I have been drawing on things from my childhood that added brightness to my day and helped chase the blues away. Although I have depression that cannot be abated without chemical therapy I believe that trying not to feed into and working on distracting myself to focus on more positives in my life helps to make the depression more manageable and hopefully shorten the duration of my more down periods. Onto childhood memories of happier times and items that I remember best.

Gumby-Hey he’s a little green clab of clay (man, I love the word clab, not to mention his happy-go-lucky theme song), who could ask for anything more? I think what I love most about Gumby is his flexibility and the fact that he has lots of friends, but one close friend, Pokey who is always there for him.

The Warm Fuzzy Tale-I love this book and think everyone on the planet should read it. This is my favorite childhood book and tells the tale of warm fuzzies. What is a warm fuzzy you ask? It is something nice that someone else does for you. It can be small, like a compliment, or large, like someone helping you with your work, but a warm fuzzy is something done from the heart. Cold pricklies are the polar opposite of warm fuzzies, they make people cranky and sad when you give someone a cold prickly. This is a great book for teaching children the impact their words and actions have on others.

The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster-What a funny book, I can still remember sitting in 3rd grade laughing my head off at the adventures of one bored little boy, Milo who ends up on an adventure of mythic proportions. The double entendres in the book are perfect to entertain young adult readers and the skill with which Juster presents his odd cast of characters is nothing short of genius.

In The Year of the Boar and Jackie Robinson by Bette Bao Lord and Marc Simont-This book focuses on a young girl Bandit Wong who emigrates to the United States in 1947. Her trials and tribulations over assimilation into American Culture made me more aware and sensitive to my Grandparents and relatives who came to America from Germany. Her story is paralleled with the tremendous success of Brooklyn Dodger and national hero Jackie Robinson, a black man making a difference both on and off the field. I loved the multi-cultural subject of the book and felt such a kinship with two very different people with so much in common with me, feeling of alienation, wanting to be accepted, and acting in line with your moral and ethical beliefs. A great book!

Labyrinth the movie (of course)-This is my favorite movie, which you might know if you have read any of my previous posts. Jim Henson is a genius full of love and lessons for children of all ages. Plus David Bowie looks uber-hot as the Goblin King despite his pedophile tendencies towards Jennifer Connelly’s teenaged adventuress Sarah.

Star Blazers (AKA Space Battleship Yamato) and Battletech Anime Cartoons I often confuse the characters and storylines from both of these amazing anime series, but still remember them with a great deal of fondness since I loved the soap opera like stories and the three dimensional people portrayed in them. I felt like they were cartoons meant for grown-ups, but marketing to kids here in the U.S. I did find out via Wikipedia that the 5 feature movies created in Japan were meant for adults and that the original film Yamato beat out Star Wars at the Japanese Box Office (gotta love Wiki!). They removed a great deal of violence and sexual references to create the U.S. version so I think I might try and obtain the original Japanese versions of Star Blazers with subtitles if they exist.

Wish Bear from the Care Bears-I don’t know exactly how it came about, but my Mom and I (mostly her hard work and sewing expertise to see it through) wanted a sewing project and we found a Care Bear pattern of my favorite bear and made it in the early 80s. I still smile when I think of Wish Bear, I think he’s in my parents home still and I plan to grab him when I visit for Thanksgiving. His original job is to help make wishes come true, but he also reminds people to believe in their dreams.

Depression: The Guilt Chronicles (Do not read if you are currently feeling down, this is a very sad/angry blog entry)

I am currently suffering from tremendous guilt, my mood is very down today with a lot of horrendously evil self-talk. Maybe if I share these things I am feeling guilty for, it will alleviate some of those sad/mad/bad feelings.

1. I am not living up to my potential, since I have not found a true career and merely work at a job with little or no movement towards any ambitions.
2. Not taking care of myself on a daily basis. I rarely wear makeup, do my hair, or buy and wear fashionable current clothing. I only put on jewelry for special occassions even though I like the way it looks on other people. I don’t get my hair colored and cut or my eyebrows waxed on a regular basis.
3. I fell off the weight watchers wagon this weekend and ate an amount of food that can only be called obscene.
4. I want to be perfect and feel if I can’t then I might as well stay in bed and give up. Totally ridiculous, yes I know.
5. Tired of making and then breaking plans to see friends because I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and in a mood that makes me feel disconnected and unable to truly listen and be happy and present in the moment with them.
6. Fed up with my own excuses and inability to commit to people, events, exercise, and diet.
7. Frustrated with the fact that positive feelings seem so fleeting and the negative ones take up residence for months.
8. Overall disappointment that I spend 40 hours a week at a job that has no redeeming value to society and mostly just feels like I am marking time until the weekend.
9. Sadness and guilt over my recent self-enforced isolation, it leaves many of my friends out in the cold, and robs my family of my support and attention. Makes me very angry with myself and leaves me with fences to mend when I am feeling partially functional.

Believe me, dear reader, when I say, thank you for listening. Thank you for taking the time to read this and assist me in healing. It really does help to get these feelings out of my system and hopefully out of my soul.

Finish the Sentence

Cut and paste this into your blog (or whatever), make the answers your own..
1. I've come to realize that...
Happiness is a choice, not a goal.
2. I am listening to...
KCRW Music and NPR News
3. I talk...
Like I know everything, but I don’t.
4. I love...
Myself, my boyfriend, my family, and my wonderful friends.
5. My best friend(s)...
Are intelligent, beautiful, kind, generous, and self reflective people.
8. I hate it when people...
Don’t seek to learn about and understand themselves.
9. Love is...
Patient.
10. Marriage is....
A brilliant concept, yet sometimes flawed in the execution.
11. Somewhere, someone is...
In need, in trouble, in danger, I must speak out and be their voice.
12. I'll always...
Have hope that each day will be better then the last.
13. I have a secret crush on...
Sloths (the animal, not Sloth from Goonies) and Christopher Walken.
14. The last time I cried was...
This week when a colleague and I were talking about her Grandmother’s courage to help AWOL Italian soldiers during WWII.
15. My cell phone...
Is a piece of junk and should be hurled into oblivion since I never answer it anyway.
16. When I wake up in the morning....
I make sure I am still in one piece.
17. Before I go to sleep at night...
I like to read for a half hour (really I just fall asleep though).
18. Right now I am thinking about...
My boyfriend coming home from out of state for work.
19. Babies are...
Cute and smell good mostly, but they are a ton of work and responsibility.
20. I get on myspace...
Once a week, but I like my blog better.
21. Today I...
Am tired, but proud of myself for working out last night.
22. Tonight I will...
Sleep alone in the bed.
23. Tomorrow I will...
Play softball.
24. I really want...
To work on myself and improve inside and out.
25. The person who most likely to re-post this is...
Anyone who reads this blog.

Blogging: Expectations, Disappointment, and Self-discovery

When I started my blog, I had grandiose ideas of how I would post a new, amazing story or adventure everyday. My hopes were to chronicle what I was eating, reading, listening to, and doing for the enjoyment of friends, family, and strangers alike. However, that is not exactly how it has turned out. Two years and over a hundred posts later I am coming to a more rational understanding of what my blog is to me and how I can best use it in my journey through life.

For my Bat Mitzvah my beloved English/Homeroom teacher bought me my very first journal (actually I might have had one before that, Little Twin Stars, I think, but that one never got used). This journal opened a whole new world to me and started me on an important process of self discovery that has spanned over 30 journals so far. At times in my life when I am feeling lost, stressed, wistful, or inappropriately angry with myself, I open these chronicles of my life to look at where I’ve been. They help me gain perspective and realize that the bumps on the road are merely that. I am a not only a survivor of many heartbreaks, disappointments, and unfair situations, I have thrived and realized many goals to fulfill and satisfy myself. I have made my own definition of success by learning to love myself and learning how to give and accept love. Happiness if the true measure of success for me.

I think that lately I have been taking advantage of the fact that few of my friends and family read my blog so I have slowly been turning it into an online diary. A safe place for me to air my petty grievances against society, spout my radically liberal political views, and try and encourage others to read, write, vote, volunteer, and find their own joys to lead lives that they feel proud of and happy with.

Often I teeter between abject despair and shiny idealism, no doubt a throwback to my High School days when any situation fraught with drama was entertaining fodder for the gossip mongers. (Sometimes I ask myself, if we, as a culture are addicted to the soap opera highs and lows that are so frequently in our headlines, but that is a topic which I will have to explore at a later date.) Seeing my previous entries in my journals helps me step back and see things with a more objective eye since I am no longer trapped in the raging storm of emotions since I have committed them to paper and am in no danger of “losing” them. Writing out an emotion provides catharsis and it sometimes feel like I am listening to myself. Giving myself the time and attention that I need to feel like I have been heard. Does that sound stupid?

So, this wasn’t exactly what I meant it to be, this blog is no great masterwork of entertainment. Instead it is a mish-mosh of personal musings meant to inspire, irritate, or amuse, but mostly it is just about and for me.